If you've survived the stampeding, rioting, body-slamming, pepper-spraying madness that marked Black Friday here in the United States, then pick yourself up and dust yourself off, there are 29 more shopping days until Christmas. Prepare for the long march ahead with this weekend's roundup of the best gaming hardware,…

Hi, how are you. My name's Elliot, and I'm with the Cub Scouts of America. We're selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree.

I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door—that way Lumbergh can't see me—and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour. Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably…

I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're all good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags…

They're tank busters, sir. P-51s.

Listen, loyalty is very touching. But it is not the most important thing in your life right now! But what is important is gravity! I have to remind you Sully, this is my weak arm! Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last? I lied.

You spend fourteen years in this tank, you begin to understand that you've only got two thing left they can't sweat out of you or beat out of you. Your balls. And you better hang onto them, because they're about the only thing you're gonna have when you get out of here.

You're wrong, eggroll, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down. But you, you know, you're letting Click-Clack, Ding-Dong and Charlie…

Last week we served up 13 of the most exploitable cosplay pics from at Comic-Con 2011 for you to corrupt even further. Many entered, only one will win! Who is it? OK, yeah, it's that guy above. But see inside for the other 19 finalists!

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.

Mr. Vaughn, what we are dealing with here is a perfect engine, an eating machine. It's really a miracle of evolution. All this machine does is swim and eat and make little sharks, and that's all. Now, why don't you take a long, close look at this sign.

Last week's 'Shop Contest posed the challenge of creating downloadable content well ahead of its time—like, back in the 1980s and 1990s. Could our smart shoppers take classic franchises and serve them up with virtual tchotchke's just as money-grubbing and half-assed as modern games? Find out inside!

I love that doo-doo line. That boy's got TALENT!

There's box art and there's box art, and just as CD insert is no comparison to an album cover, so is a DVD case no match for the artistry of a board-game box. Last week's 'Shop Contest asked everyone to reconcile the latter two.

In NCAA Football 12 players have an extraordinary amount of control over the college football landscape. Last year, many diehards and purists pursed their lips and grumbled over a wave of conference realignments that forsake traditions and regional sensibilities for television contracts. NCAA 12 is their chance to put…

Even if we play so far above our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field; even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win, it just wouldn't matter because all the really good looking girls…

You probably think it's just a hamburger. A patty's just a piece of meat, but it can have character. See that doughnut hole? Gets 18 patties to the pound instead of 16. Saves me about $40,000 a year. That's serious money, Ron. I plug the hole with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, spices. I cover it with a pickle. They'll…

The big moosie slobbering all over me, that was Bob. Kotick.

Giving hope to a hopeless franchise is part of what makes season modes in sports video gaming so fun. But in FIFA, a side that comes up from nothing finds itself with new big-league obligations, and when the money runs out, can answer them only with heart.

When you decide to be something, you can be it. That's what they don't tell you in the church. When I was your age they would say we can become cops, or criminals. Today, what I'm saying to you is this: when you're facing a loaded gun, what's the difference?