Biff Tannen Delivers the Stone Cold Sure Things in Sports

Illustration for article titled Biff Tannen Delivers the Stone Cold Sure Things in Sports

Hey, are you a sports fan on the go? Who has time these days to watch the big game, or bother with messy DVR, or boring highlight shows? With Biff Tannen's Sports Almanac, we'll give you the weekend's biggest matchups before they happen, thanks to these highly accurate peer-reviewed scientific simulations of sports video gaming's finest titles. Biff Tannen's Sports Almanac appears Fridays on Sportaku.


Note: Information presented for entertainment purposes only. If you consult video games for sports betting advice, seek help.

College Basketball

Simulated using College Hoops 2K8
Rosters by Operation Sports user Ben Griffey Jr. (vers. 1.9)

• No. 5 Michigan State 74, No. 10 Ohio State 67 (Sunday)—Branden Dawson's 20 points and five rebounds help the Spartans rebound from their loss to Indiana earlier this week and end the Buckeyes' hopes of finishing the regular season with a share of first place. Jared Sullinger contributes 15 points, 9 rebounds and 3 blocks for Ohio State.

Illustration for article titled Biff Tannen Delivers the Stone Cold Sure Things in Sports

Listen up, butthead. Harrison Barnes is gonna light up Duke for 29. Just watch, I'm telling you it will happen.

• No. 6 North Carolina 103, No. 4 Duke 78 (Saturday)—The Tar Heels get revenge for February's gutpunch loss in Chapel Hill with a 25-point shellacking to spoil Senior Day at Cameron Indoor Stadium. Harrison Barnes goes off for 29 points on 13-of-20 shooting while John Henson adds 20 with a 9-for-11 effort. North Carolina will shoot 57 percent for the game, more than enough for an easy win as the Devils go cold, shooting 37 percent in the embarrassing loss. UNC claims the ACC regular season title, if such a thing exists. (It does not.)



Simulated using NBA 2K12.

• Boston 102, New York 101 (Sunday)—With their era in Boston likely to end by the March 15 trade deadline, the Celtics' big three of Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen give fans one final memory of their time together. Each will contribute more than 20 points, led by Garnett's 26, to down the Knicks and keep a hold on second place in the Atlantic Division. Amar'e Stoudemire's 32 points and nine rebounds are not enough as J.R. Smith's 17 footer from the wing rims out with four seconds left and the Celtics hold on.


• Los Angeles Lakers 111, Miami 96 (Sunday)—Forty-four points from the bemasked Kobe Bryant help the Lakers, themselves considering major personnel changes before the trading deadline, sink Miami in Staples Center. Pau Gasol, rumored to be shipped somewhere by March 15, contributes 27 points and 10 rebounds. Dwyane Wade contributes 31 points in a losing effort for Miami.

UFC on FX 2

Simulated using UFC Undisputed 3

• Thiago Alves vs. Martin Kampmann (Friday)—Alves will win by TKO in a dramatic third round after escaping a prolonged arm bar submission attempt and reversing an exhausted Kampmann. From there, it's lights out as Alves pounds Kampmann, ending the contest with a brutal knee to the ribs.



Simulated using FIFA 12.

• Tottenham 1-0 Manchester United (Sunday)—Spurs are back in the Almanac with another difficult match, this time Tottenham emerge a winner thanks to Scott Parker's goal in the 76th minute, assisted by Jermain Defoe, who substitutes in at the 72nd minute.



Simulated using NHL 12

• New York Rangers 5, Boston 1 (Sunday)—A hat trick by Derek Stepan and two goals from Marian Gaborik will lead the Rangers to a rout of rival and fellow division leader Boston in Madison Square Garden. Boston will trail 2-1 after the second period but then the Rangers will pour it on with three goals in the third period, two of them from Gaborik.


Biff's record: 2-7 last week; 5-11 lifetime. Why don't you make like a tree and get outta here.



Oh Biff, you and your horrible understanding of sayings and puns.