When you’re Ocarina of Time‘s biggest hater, watching the accolades roll in is legitimately maddening. Until the remake was released, I had never played it, sitting in my corner of petty loathing with the game that better deserves all this breathless praise: Majora’s Mask. Now that I have played the game, my heart has not been swayed, and if anything, I’ve become more convinced my long-time antipathy is justified.
It’s hard to see the innovation of Ocarina of Time if you weren’t there to watch it unfold in 1997. (To be clear, I was alive, but at 10 years old my only console experience was a cousin’s Sega Genesis.) Ocarina became the blueprint for many of the Zelda games that followed and plenty of other non-Zelda adventures in the years since its initial release, and I’ve played many of its imitators. But almost 30 years on, mechanically and narratively, Majora’s Mask remains one of one, and I wish to Hylia we gave half as much love to that weird, dark, soulful little game as we do to Ocarina.
But you know what makes all this worse? The Ocarina remake is a good game. I can imagine how mind-blowing the original was all those years ago and how, for those people for whom Ocarina was a formative part of their memory, seeing it again with gorgeous new graphics and hearing the heart-stirring music could reduce one to tears. I get it.
But I am nothing if not dedicated to my haterdom. I know there are dozens of people out there like me who hate Ocarina but can’t, in the face of its manifold achievements in gameplay, graphics, and just all-around feely-goodness, muster a cogent argument against it. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. So when someone asks you why you hate Ocarina of Time, here’s a handy list of not-at-all-petty grievances to share.
- Big skulltullas are too spooky to be that realistic-looking, they were better in blurry N64 graphics.
- Gannondorf has no ass.
- Why are the Zora so rubbery-looking? They look like gummy candy and I want to chew on them.
- Ruto should not say “Am I just a weight to you?” Bitch, you’re the one who made me carry you so yes, you are!
- Skull Kids are age-phobic and that’s unacceptable in Woke 3.
- Baby Link should be able to ride a pony.
- Mido looks too much like Will Poulter.
- Happy Mask Salesman is running an MLM which is also unacceptable in Woke 3.
- It’s unrealistic for Hyrule to have contact lens technology, so why does Sheik have red eyes?
- Rauru is not a hot goat man.
This is not an exhaustive list, but when you’re a hater of one of gaming’s foundational texts, it’s at least something.
