Biff Tannen Gives You Sports' Lead-Pipe Locks for This Weekend

Illustration for article titled Biff Tannen Gives You Sports' Lead-Pipe Locks for This Weekend

Hey, are you a sports fan on the go? Who has time these days to watch the big game, or bother with messy DVR, or boring highlight shows? With Biff Tannen's Sports Almanac, we'll give you the weekend's biggest matchups before they happen, thanks to these highly accurate peer-reviewed scientific simulations of sports video gaming's finest titles. Biff Tannen's Sports Almanac appears Fridays on Sportaku.


Note: Information presented for entertainment purposes only. If you consult video games for sports betting advice, seek help.

UFC 144

Simulated using UFC Undisputed 3

• Frankie Edgar vs. Benson Henderson (Saturday): Henderson will get Edgar on the ground late in the first round and rain down some withering fists, but the reigning UFC lightweight champion will hang on to the end of the round and stay on his feet in the second. It ends in a flash when Edgar slips a weak left cross and counters with a right hook missile to Henderson's temple for the KO.

Elsewhere on the card, Quinton Jackson will prevail over Ryan Bader in an unusually brutal match stopped early in the third round. And Yoshihiro Akiyama will win by unanimous decision after a lackluster bout with Jake Shields, fought largely on the ground.


Simulated using FIFA 12.

• Arsenal 2-1 Tottenham (Sunday)—The Premier League's top-of-table fixture on Sunday sees Arsenal fend off Tottenham 2-1 thanks to Alex Song's brilliant score at the 78th minute. Song will dribble out through two defenders and pound the deciding score in the lower left, past an outstretched Huerelho Gomes. Robin Van Persie scores first for the Gunners at the 35th minute, swiveling on a bullet cross from Song that gives Gomes no chance to react. Rafael van der Vaart's goal from penalty-kick distance at the 43rd minute will level the contest.

• Milan 3-2 Juventus (Saturday)—Serie A's big contest this weekend pits first against second place at the San Siro and Milan will emerge from this match as it entered, in first place. Zlatan Ibrahimovic opens the scoring when he dodges Andrea Barzagli's poor slide tackle, collects the deflection and slams the door at the 11th minute. Alexandre Pato will notch the equaliser at the 62nd minute, concluding a long run with a fast roller to the lower left. But Kevin-Prince Boateng's goal at the 75th minute gives Milan the result it sought.


Simulated using NBA 2K12.
Rosters current as of Feb. 21.

• East All-Stars 105, West All-Stars 88 (Sunday)—For the first time since 1973, a team will score fewer than 90 points in the NBA All-Star Game when the East elects to play defense. Derrick Rose will score 22 points and hand-out four assists to win All-Star MVP honors.


For the west, Kobe Bryant will score 24 points, Kevin Durant will add 16 points and four assists, and Dirk Nowitzki, Steve Nash and Tony Parker will not get into the game. This is what happens when you contest an all-star game like an actual game, I suppose. The East will lead 33-12 after one quarter, but the West will chip away to 69-65 in the third quarter before a 13-4 run by the East salts away the game.

The 193 points will also be a 39-year low. In commemoration of their once-in-a-generation failure, here is a gallery of NBA Western Conference All-Stars shrugging like WTF.



Simulated using NHL 12
Rosters current as of Feb. 2

• Winnipeg 3, St. Louis 1 (Saturday)—The Jets, who shot into first place on Thursday, will stay there thanks to two third-period goals from Nik Antropov, one an empty-netter passed in from center ice.

Illustration for article titled Biff Tannen Gives You Sports' Lead-Pipe Locks for This Weekend

• Ottawa 4, Boston 1 (Saturday)—In a key northeast division battle, the Senators will surge into a tie for first place after a showstopping performance by Daniel Alfredsson. In the third period, Alfredsson will shovel in that blind backhand goal—off the far post—to put Ottawa ahead 3-1; he will add an empty netter when the desparate Bruins pull Tim Thomas, and also contribute an assist in the second period.


College Basketball

Simulated using College Hoops 2K8
Rosters by Operation Sports user Ben Griffey Jr. (vers. 1.9)


• Connecticut 77, No. 2 Syracuse 50 (Saturday)—Little men play like big men and Syracuse plays like No. 2 in this 27-point stinker at Gampel Pavilion. Syracuse's starting backcourt of Scoop Jardine and Brandon Triche both hit foul trouble and ride the bench for much of the game as Connecticut picks up a win vital to its postseason hopes. No Orange player gets to double figures. For Connecticut, Jeremy Lamb in 26 points and while Shabazz Napier—another point guard, adds 14 points, 12 rebounds and 6 assists.

• No. 4 Kansas 83, No. 3 Missouri 70 (Saturday)—The Jayhawks' Thomas Robinson leads the way with 28 points and nine rebounds as Kansas finishes off hated rival Missouri at home, in what likely will be the two teams' last regular-season meeting for a while. Ben McLemore will add 17 points as Kansas will use a 12-2 run early in the second half to pull away from the Tigers. For Mizzou, Marcus Denmon will contribute 15 points, five rebounds and four assists. Yet another point guard, Phil Pressey, will foul out early, with 6:29 left in the game.


Biff's record: 3-4 last week; 3-4 lifetime. What are you lookin' at, butthead?



I think he took that guys wallet.

Three things I will disagree on: Edgar Vs Henderson, Shields Vs Akiyama and 'Cuse Vs UConn (though that is an outdated game with a user created roster.)