Most people ask themselves normal questions like, “Is it going to rain later?” and “What should I have for dinner tonight?” Many Elden Ring players are not normal, however, which is why one asked himself if he could beat the game’s bosses by exclusively smashing ass. And because this is Elden Ring, the answer is: of course.
Prolific Soulsborne speedrunner Distortion2 has been running out of ways to smash FromSoftware’s latest hit. Just yesterday, he managed to beat the game using every trick and exploit at his disposal in less than 10 minutes. But over the weekend he completed an equally impressive and 10 times more absurd feat of killing Malenia and Elden Ring’s other major bosses using only his butt.
Not his actual butt mind you—that category still beckons to any tarnished willing to defile their controllers. Rather he used his character’s ground pound which sees them go full Mario on all manner of Eldritch-inspired horrors. Ground Slam is an Ash of War upgrade that drops from Teardrop Scarabs near Mistwood. Distortion2 started by picking that up first, after which all ass broke loose.
“This run started off strong and slowly descended into despair,” he wrote in the description for a highlight video posted on YouTube:
Equipped with a shield, spear, and lots of pre-fight buffs, Distortion butt-pounded Margit, Godrick, Rennala, Radahn, and many others into submission. A Crystalian gets a taste along the way as well. While Distortion2’s Ground Slam deals good damage, it has a huge wind up and can’t capitalize on most openings.
“Our butt is about to get a big, big upgrade,” Distortion2 says halfway through the video. After defeating the Erdtree Avatar near the Great Waterfall Crest he gets the Staff of the Avatar which grants the weapon skill Erdtree Slam. “Now this thing, this thing, hehehe, this thing is beastly.”
He then proceeded to take on more bosses. “Show him how magnificently girthy your cheeks are,” the chat egged him on during a fight against another Erdtree. Distortion2 got his ass kicked by the Fire Giant a bit later, but he marshaled on, accruing more upgrades and slaying more bosses, until he eventually went ass-to-grass against the Elden Beast itself and came out on top.
“It’s done,” Distortion2 sighs at the end. I shudder to think of what he’ll attempt next.