Gaming Reviews, News, Tips and More.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Gaming Reviews, News, Tips and More.

Elden Ring's Dirty Messages Are My Favorite, Because I'm 12

FromSoftware lets players share hilarious vulgarities with the Tarnished's Wizened Finger

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
A fantasy warrior watches a ghostly figure crouch over corpse with the text "lover, O lover, Time for pickle" transposed on top.
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

The most obvious way to tell if Elden Ring is a Souls game isn’t its satisfyingly difficult gameplay loop or incomprehensible lore. No, the true test of Elden Ring’s inherent Souls-ness lies with the messaging system, in which players can leave behind asynchronous notes to give their fellow Tarnished tips about impending dangers or troll them into jumping off a cliff.

That said, Elden Ring players can’t just write whatever they want. Messages are constructed, like in previous FromSoftware games, using Mad Lib-style templates into which players can plug a long list of words encompassing proper nouns, directions, emotions, animals, and much more. While this is good enough to talk about what’s hiding around the corner in a dungeon, for example, players also come up with clever ways to circumvent these restrictions for more vulgar purposes.

Here are some of the best messages I’ve found in the Lands Between a little over 20 hours into my time with Elden Ring. And yes, many of them are dirty. I’m a child.

Advertisement

Elden Ring isn’t in Fortnite (yet), so this is probably the next best thing.

A text box reading "Fort Knight."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

Oh good, I was wondering when it was going to show up.

A text box reading "Elden Ring ahead."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

This isn’t from a player, but I couldn’t help but laugh at Elden Ring’s deadpan, on-the-nose explanation of this NPC’s status.

A text box reading "She's dead."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

Sometimes the best messages are the most obvious. Yep, those are legs. Thank you, nameless Tarnished.

A text box reading "Behold, legs!"
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

Elden Ring is intense, so you gotta find time to rest where you can. Why not a giant, wooden chair?

A text box reading "Time for comfort."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

Leave that poor, old lady alone.

A text box reading "Likely giant but hole..."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

The best messages, in my mind, combine text with gestures that complete or add to the joke.

A text box reading "love, O lover, Time for pickle."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

Ditto.

FromSoftware / DigitalBuoy (YouTube)

Ditto.

Advertisement

Additionally, it’s really fun when a message sets up a joke...

A text box reading "If only I had a lover..."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

...and something in the world completes the punchline.

A text box reading "Whip."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

Some of the most disappointing moments in Elden Ring have come from not being able to use the giant ballistae that menace you in certain regions. Give us a lever, FromSoftware!

A text box reading "If only I had a lever..."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

I think these guys are too far gone to save, but it’s a nice thought.

A text box reading "Offer rain."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

Listen, knowing your limits is important. Do what you gotta do, just be safe.

A text box reading "If only I had a giant... but hole."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

Just in case you, like me, wonder if Elden Ring might pull a Sekiro­-like snake jumpscare every time you cross a long bridge, this helpful message should set your mind at ease.

A text box reading "No snake ahead."
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku
Advertisement

Elden Ring is tough with a somber backstory, but it’s also the funniest game I’ve played in a long time. Feel free to share some of your favorite messages in the comments, I’d love to see what you’ve found and/or come up with yourself. The more absurd the better!

Advertisement