It’s Monday and time for Ask Kotaku, the weekly feature in which Kotaku-ites deliberate on a single burning question. Then, we ask your take.
This week’s Ask Kotaku is more serious than usual… even potentially divisive. The question of the day is: Which next-gen console would you rather sit on: PS5 or Xbox Series X?
I’m gonna have to go with the Xbox Series X. It’s already built like a small stool and the side with the holes is even slightly concave. Ergonomics are important! I can imagine putting a little pillow on there and, I don’t know, watching my dad work on a car or something.
Plus, I would never sit on something so precious as a PlayStation 5. That thing’s got Demon’s Souls. Have you seen Demon’s Souls? Damn.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. No, really. I imagine that both would cause a fair amount of hunching over due to the lack of proper back support. So, I have decided which of them looks most like a pillow—albeit a hard one. People sit on pillows on the floor in Japan, and the PS5 seems best designed for that. Sony, obviously, was really thinking things through!
I, too, have thought about this a lot. Initially because it was obvious, in retrospect, that Phil Spencer has been sitting on an Xbox Series X every single time he’s streamed from home this year. Maybe even before then. And it makes sense: The Xbox Series X is essentially a medium-sized tower, a little skyscraper, a shape that’s naturally well-suited to supporting the human posterior. What a power-trip, sitting on a secret $500 console no one else can! That’s what I’d do if I were a rich executive.
So, would I prefer to sit on Xbox Series X? Nah, Xbox man stole that thunder. It’s been done. It’s boring. And given the console’s boxy, conservative lines—not to mention all those worryingly bee-friendly holes on top—I wouldn’t have been too interested even before.
In stark contrast, Sony’s designers went kind of apeshit to give its next-gen console a bizarre outer shape that my habitually side-sitting, L-from-Death-Note-sympathizing queer ass would absolutely be down to audition.
In designing the literally massive PlayStation 5, Sony threw away typical considerations like “good taste” and “being on the right side of history” and sought inspiration from heretofore unknown realms of quantum wave modeling, radical parkscaping, and non-Euclidian geometry. The final contours, defiantly unsittable in the default vertical configuration, only reveal their true perching possibilities when laid horizontal. Suddenly new horizons blossom, dizzying my mind with all the ways I might drape my weary form over PS5’s secret valleys and rolling hillocks. Forget 3D sound and super-speed SSDs: Mark Cerny’s created a next-gen console to lounge on.
So yeah, it’s ugly, strange, far too large, and 500 damn dollars. (Considerably less than a new Herman Miller Aeron, I’ll note.) But I’d have much more fun trying to sit on a PlayStation 5.
I’m a simple man and I don’t need or want a fancy console to sit on. I want a box. Preferably the biggest box I can get, because I’m also a big man. I have a feeling that I would crush a PS5 if I sat on it. But the Series X looks sturdy, like a mini-fridge. That’s good. See, I’ve sat on a mini-fridge before and it was fine and it didn’t break. So if history is anything to go by, the Xbox is where I’ll park my ass.
Plus if I do break the Series X by sitting on it, which is still a possibility, I was planning on playing most games on PS5 this generation anyway, so I’d rather keep that one safe for gaming.
Xbox Series S. It’s small. It’s sort of shaped like a small cushion. The S stands for seat. And I hear it is fully backward compatible, which is close enough to “backside compatible” for me—and yes, I am a dad and this is my sense of humor now.
I am also a big man. Inside my many pounds of skin, muscle, and organs is a substantial mass of thick, heavy bones. I need a strong and sturdy seat to perch myself upon. Even without considering that I am paralyzed and would basically have to throw myself onto the console in order to sit down on it, the PlayStation 5 looks far too flimsy. It’s more aesthetically pleasing, certainly, and its curves look quite comfortable. But I know a little something about putting very heavy things on smaller, less solid things. An Xbox Series X, upright, might survive my mighty, mighty butt.
I was originally going to make everyone’s lives hell by making an elaborate joke about oral sex, disk drive vibrations, and misunderstanding the prompt. But then I realized none of that was necessary because I had a simple epiphany: The PS5 is flared for her pleasure. The Xbox is just a box. ‘Nuff said.
An unlikely tie! Now that Kotaku’s weighed in, what’s your take? On which $500 console would you prefer to park your ass? We don’t make the questions, we just… well wait, actually we do make the questions. So err, sorry about this. Just uh, share your deeply considered take, and we’ll be back next Monday to deliberate and debate on another nerdy issue. See you in the comments!