Tired of "Mortal Kombat Killer"? How About "Xbox Taco Assailant"

Illustration for article titled Tired of "Mortal Kombat Killer"? How About "Xbox Taco Assailant"

Law enforcement near Orlando, Fla., have in custody a 19-year-old who refused to stop playing games to join his family for dinner and threw a taco at his mother after she unplugged his Xbox.


Intrepid and indispensible local news resource WOFL-TV of Orlando reports that alleged Xbox Taco Assailant Zachary Moir is in the Volusia County Jail after a domestic disturbance on Wednesday night. Seems his moms went upstairs and demanded he stop playing that Sega or Atari or whatever you call it and come down and be a contributing member of the family, and he was all, "whatever, bitch," and she was all "WHAT did you just call me," and punched off the power to his console. Oh it's on now!

"A few minutes later Dena says she was in the kitchen cleaning and cooking tacos for dinner when Zachary showed up. That's when she says he slapped her arm and threw a taco in her face. "He went ahead and hit me with the taco and I got taco all over my shirt and kitchen. I've threatened to call police before. But anyway this time, I thought he went too far so I called police and he's in jail now."

On top of that, Mom won't take jailhouse phone calls from her alleged Xbox taco assailant son. That'll show your ass, tough guy! "She says she's going to let him sit in his jail cell in Volusia County for a few days to teach him a lesson," according to crusading truth avenger WOFL-TV.

Sounds like they have a history, Ms. Moir and her alleged Xbox Taco Assailant offspring, and it goes back about, oh, 19 years. "I've been having trouble with him for a while - won't work, won't go to school," she says "He's being rude and disrespectful. Pushing things to the limit as far as the violence."

This reminds me of The Untouchables: "You wanna know how to get Zachary? He pulls a taco, you get a chalupa; He throws a mexi-melt, you grab a seven-layer burrito. That's the Orlando way!"

No word on what charges the alleged Xbox Taco Assailant is actually facing while he rots in jail and thinks good and hard about this. But Volusia County taxpayers, you're footing the bill for his three squares, at least until these aspiring Maury Povich guests can figure out how to convene a home-cooked meal without the entree being thrown in anger.

Teen Charged With Assaulting Mom with Taco [WOFL-TV, Orlando, with a huge, huge hat tip and thanks to Skye C.]



My dad would have kicked the shit out of me if I had ever done anything like that to my mom. But only after I woke up from the right cross she would have knocked me out with.

And I can say that without hesitation after having grown up without ever being hit by either parents. The threat of such action was always very real if I crossed the line too far.