This Drunk Driving 'Game' Actually Has a Message

As Kotaku's resident deplorable alcoholic, expectations for me are low enough that not only can I post something this reprehensible, it's practically expected. So here's the problem of drunk driving imagined as a 1990s-style game - note, this game doesn't exist.

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Brooklyn comedy quintet POKYPAC is responsible for this foray into dark humor, produced last year and put on YouTube a few days ago. If you somehow find it to be an endorsement of dangerous and self-destructive behavior, I should remind everyone that driving drunk is one hell of a good way for an otherwise upstanding citizen to find himself charged with homicide. You don't even have to hurt someone to do time - serious time, hanging out with bona fide violent people.

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So the message here, kids, is winners drink at home alone.

I'm Not Drunk: The Irresponsible Video Game [Geekologie]

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loungedinosaurian--it-s-a-lov-old
LoungeDinosaurian, it's a LOVE RƎVO˩UTION!

I've always found that playing Mario Kart Wii with the Wii Wheel is quite analogous to driving drunk, while we're on the subject of drinking and driving. Of course, there was this other time where I was in an Italian restaurant with my DS and Mario Kart DS, and I did a little experiment to see how well alcohol would impair my Mario Kart DS driving skills (because we all know that Mario Kart skills carry over into real life as the shell imprints on the rear of my Trailblazer can attest to). I had earned 3-Star rankings on 80% of the circuits across all the difficulties and figured it wouldn't make much of an impact. I ordered a bottle of Chardonnay, Kendall-Jackson reserve, to be precise. Our waitress was a light-haired girl with blue eyes named Nina. Not very Eye-tallian by my figgerings. Possibly Norwegian? Anyway, I poured one glass and downed it, like a shot. I didn't spend any time sniffing it like a girl or holding the stem like some wimpy flower. I inhaled it like so many Waddle-Dos and waited a few minutes. I fired up the Mario Kart DS shortly thereafter and went straight for the Waluigi Pinball. I placed first. My movements were smooth, like the wind or Haagen-Dazs or a woman's legs after a layer of Nair. I poured another glass as my friends watched intently, probably wondering what end would be served by drinking an entire bottle of wine before the food arrived. I looked a couple of tables over and saw a sort of piggish girl. My eyes met hers, and she averted her gaze with a smile. Not very attractive at all, I thought to myself. That would change in a few minutes, or glasses, whichever happened to be first. I took another wine shot, waited a few minutes, and chose another stage: DS Bowser Castle. Not as much fun as Waluigi Pinball, but it would do. I missed the shortctu on the first lap. I never missed the shortcut in that stage. I ended up in second place for much of the last lap until a trio of blue shellsd sent DK into the drink. The awfully hot magma drink. First place for me. Yay. Our waitress Tina (Mina? Nina? She's not wearing a bra...) came by and tld us our food would be out in just a minute I PROOOOMISE. I looked over at pigface. She still lookin at me? Whaever. I pour anotherglass and pick GBA Luigi Circuit becaus I'm kinda worried that mty skills are giong to crap. I mean, if that piggirl is starting to look mor like quen amidala shit's getting real. SO Im sliding alll over the place lik the tracks made of vasiline nd i'm going the wrong wayon the grass and I get to 8th plac and i dunt fell so good anymorre from all th driivng. lukcy theren't arent cops in mush. kingdom.