Earlier this week, while playing Square Enix’s Chaos Rings III on the iPad, I was asked to name my favorite food via text field. I am not proud of what happened next.

Warning: I am a horrible dirty potty mouth.

I am milking my time with Chaos Rings III, a choice of words that will shortly turn out to be incredibly unfortunate. A $20 game for the iPad, I’ve decided not to rush through its colorful turn-based battles and side missions so uncharacteristic for the series, taking my own sweet time and savoring each penny spent.


Some of the side missions in the game are of a more personal nature. For instance, when young Patty, an erstwhile companion of the lead character (who in this instance I named Fahey) realizes she can use the mission system to make him run errands or answer questions, one mission is this sweet girl asking him what his favorite food is. A text field appears on the screen and a virtual keyboard pops up.

Let’s see, I want to keep this short so the dialogs involving whatever I pick don’t take up too much time. Something easy to remember should it pop up later in the game as an answer to a riddle or quiz. As no one else would be watching me play, it did not matter if the word was vulgar.


I would have liked the thoughts in the previous paragraph to be my real thoughts, instead of my actual thought, which was “Hee hee.... Cum!”

That is not a word I use in every day conversation. “So, how’s the cum today?” is not a question I have ever asked anyone. My usage of the word is limited to rare appropriate situations, so me suddenly typing it into a text box is the old Fahey equivalent of young Fahey raising his hand when the first-grade teacher asked a question and shouting “FART!” at the top of my lungs. I was such a rebel. Or severely hyperactive.


Anyway, then Patty praised my choice of food for its nutritional value.


Well that’s not too bad, just a slip of the tongue really. She probably meant something else. Salt cod, maybe. Mmmm, salt cod.


Stop. Stop laughing. Stop it. I’ll make you stop. Did I mention Patty is my character’s little sister?

That’s better.

Anyway, this is another one of those cautionary tales. Not only was going the cum route (not to be confused with the similarly-named treacherous journey of the early American pioneers) silly and childish, it’s made a complete mockery of a complex and meaningful role-playing game relationship.


The “Patty’s Cum” inventory item does not help.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter