Earlier this week, while playing Square Enix’s Chaos Rings III on the iPad, I was asked to name my favorite food via text field. I am not proud of what happened next.

Warning: I am a horrible dirty potty mouth.

I am milking my time with Chaos Rings III, a choice of words that will shortly turn out to be incredibly unfortunate. A $20 game for the iPad, I’ve decided not to rush through its colorful turn-based battles and side missions so uncharacteristic for the series, taking my own sweet time and savoring each penny spent.

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Some of the side missions in the game are of a more personal nature. For instance, when young Patty, an erstwhile companion of the lead character (who in this instance I named Fahey) realizes she can use the mission system to make him run errands or answer questions, one mission is this sweet girl asking him what his favorite food is. A text field appears on the screen and a virtual keyboard pops up.

Let’s see, I want to keep this short so the dialogs involving whatever I pick don’t take up too much time. Something easy to remember should it pop up later in the game as an answer to a riddle or quiz. As no one else would be watching me play, it did not matter if the word was vulgar.

I would have liked the thoughts in the previous paragraph to be my real thoughts, instead of my actual thought, which was “Hee hee.... Cum!”

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That is not a word I use in every day conversation. “So, how’s the cum today?” is not a question I have ever asked anyone. My usage of the word is limited to rare appropriate situations, so me suddenly typing it into a text box is the old Fahey equivalent of young Fahey raising his hand when the first-grade teacher asked a question and shouting “FART!” at the top of my lungs. I was such a rebel. Or severely hyperactive.

Anyway, then Patty praised my choice of food for its nutritional value.

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Well that’s not too bad, just a slip of the tongue really. She probably meant something else. Salt cod, maybe. Mmmm, salt cod.

Stop. Stop laughing. Stop it. I’ll make you stop. Did I mention Patty is my character’s little sister?

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That’s better.

Anyway, this is another one of those cautionary tales. Not only was going the cum route (not to be confused with the similarly-named treacherous journey of the early American pioneers) silly and childish, it’s made a complete mockery of a complex and meaningful role-playing game relationship.

The “Patty’s Cum” inventory item does not help.