Do I really have to do this? Fine. Let’s get it over with. Mind the foul language and overall lack of enthusiasm.

Purposefully controversial game Hatred is live on Steam today. In it players take on the role of a psychotic ‘90s metal front man consumed by the teen angst that caused him to buy a leather trenchcoat and hide his face in his hair in the first place. Instead of making a couple of albums and then becoming a horror movie director, he decided to leave his mother’s basement and strike out into the world to find his fortune. It’s sort of An American Tail: Fievel Goes Batshit Insane. I’d probably enjoy it more if the main character were a mouse. Get on that DLC, Destructive Creations.

The official Steam description reads better if you sing it in a minor key.

Hatred fills your whole body. You’re sick and tired of humanity’s worthless existence. The only thing that matters is your gun and the pure Armageddon that you want to unleash.

You will go out for a hunt, and you will clear the New York outskirts of all humans with cold blood. You will shoot, you will hurt, you will kill, and you will die. There are no rules, there is no compassion, no mercy, no point in going back. You are the lord of life and death now - and you have full control over the lives of worthless human scum.

You will also run, you will need to think, you will need to hide and fight back when armed forces come to take you down. You will have no mercy for them, because they dare to stand in your way.

Only brutality and destruction can cleanse this land. Only a killing spree will make you die spectacularly and go to hell.

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I could list a dozen other ways to die spectacularly and go to hell. Worst manifesto ever.

Remember kids, just because the game wants you to kill doesn’t mean you have to, except for that one guy in the tutorial. Sorry, that one guy.

The First Five is the first five minutes of a game with light commentary. Once the five minutes are up, so am I.

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