The First Five Minutes Of Kitten Squad, PETA's First Console Game

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has been using web-based Flash games to spread its anti-animal cruelty message for years. Probably should have stuck with that.

Directed by Mecho Wars and Pocket God vs Desert Ashes director Luc Bernard, Kitten Squad is a game that I should have immediately fallen in love with based on name alone. Available today for free download on the PlayStation 4, the game is essentially The Binding of Issac meets the animal rights lobby meets really sloppy design.

There is no set-up. We go from menu screen to wide-eyed cat in a central hub filled with a trio of NPCs whose dialogue needed another read before going live. There are quests to take, but no indication how to solve them—just an animated cutscene about how horrible some people are.

Well now I’m disgusted and horrified. Let’s shoot some robots? I don’t even know.


The First Five is the first five minutes of a game with light commentary. Once the five minutes are up, so am I.

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I’ve been developing a sneaking suspicion that PETA have started going for pity money. Not pity for the animals, pity for them.

Then I start calculating how many animals they could’ve saved with the money they just blew on some insane marketing stunt or attempt to shame Star Wars for Inhuman Treatment of Ewoks or some shit like that, and yeah, I just donate to my local, non-crazy shelter instead.