That’s that me espresso

I love Spotify Wrapped. At least, I do the moment I boot up the music-streaming app and see all the statistics and rankings encompassing a year of listening habits. It’s only when I start seeing other people’s Wrappeds that I feel like I might be slightly insane. I spend every 12 months wondering what I’m going to see in the mirror Spotify holds up at the end of the year, and my 2024 wasn’t particularly surprising in a vacuum. My most played song was Sabrina Carpenter’s “Espresso” because I’m gay and have immaculate taste. Just how much have I listened to the tune since the Short n’ Sweet singer released it in April? 1582 times.

Friends, I realize that probably sounds excessive. Literally seconds after I posted about my Spotify Wrapped on social media, I was met with reactions from people gobsmacked by how many times I’d heard Carpenter singing about the Nintendo Switch (but not actually). Then, as I scrolled through other people’s Wrapped, I saw the majority of people’s most-played songs had only been played a couple dozen times over the course of 12 months. On top of that, my overall Spotify usage was in the six figures. I spent 129,053 minutes listening to music on Spotify, about three months of non-stop music in my ears. Once again, this dwarfed most people’s average play time, which landed around five figures or less.

These ridiculous statistics require some context. For one, I always have music playing if I’m not talking to someone, and even then, it’s probably playing in the background. That means while I’m writing for this here website, playing non-narrative games like Overwatch 2, or commuting through New York City, my Spotify is blasting something into my ears. Again, Spotify Wrapped reminds me not many people operate this way, and I simply don’t know how the rest of y’all are white-knuckling life without music. What am I supposed to do, listen to the sounds of NYC traffic jams?

But my total playtime is probably less surprising than the 1500 listens to “Espresso.” That can be explained by me listening to songs on repeat for hours on end. Sometimes I’ll listen to a song nonstop for a day or two, then move on to something else, then come back to that song for another stretch of relentless listening. The song of the moment is Coheed & Cambria’s “Searching For Tomorrow,” which has had a few of these dedicated windows of repeat listening in the time since the prog rock band released it last month. Is there possibly something undiagnosed underneath there? Could be. But my music-listening habits have always been this way. When I was young, if I didn’t like a full album I’d spent money on, I’d probably have the songs I did like on a loop, and the rise of digital music and streaming services has only exacerbated this approach.

To be clear, this isn’t exclusively how I listen to music. But over the years, I’ve always sought out ways to listen to songs on repeat. When I used YouTube as a primary music source, I had external websites open to play songs I was really vibing with on a loop. I remember I stopped using Soundcloud as often when they made it impossible to find their repeat button for a brief window of time. Part of it is just my personality. I tend to hyperfixate. Growing up, I used to go see a movie that I enjoyed multiple times in theaters and replay games multiple times without getting tired of them. So it’s natural that tendency would bleed into how I listen to music as well. But part of it is this job. I start to attach certain feelings or games to specific songs or artists, and will listen to them on repeat so it keeps me in the right headspace. Music is so often an extension of my mood that a song landing in my most-listened-to playlist is as much a statement about how I felt that year as it is about the quality of the song.

“Espresso” was my go-to gym song for much of the year. Since moving to NYC, I finally made the jump to becoming a gym rat, and I tend to listen to a lot of pop girlies during my workouts because half the reason you go to the gym is to get more confident in how you look. So yeah, I listened to a sexy little pop song half the time because it got me in my groove. Couple that with the song being relatively short (just under three minutes) and it naturally ends up getting a couple dozen plays by the end of the workout. The same goes for Charli XCX and Billie Eilish’s “Guess” Remix. Nothing gets me more pumped for cable flys than a bumpin’ pop song. It’s the same effect metal or hip-hop has on the average straight dude.

But my top-played artists aren’t all pop girlies, though Sabrina, Charli, and Chappell Roan all ended up in my top five. Yes, yes, I know I’m gay, Spotify. Chill. Coheed & Cambria’s “The Joke” was my second-most-played song, though Spotify won’t give me a number on how many times it was played. It was the return of my favorite band, and the fact that they managed to end up in my top five artists this year on the back of three singles leading up to their new album next year is a testament to how many times those songs were spun. Jon Bellion, probably my favorite pop artist right now, hasn’t put out an album for six years, so his new, melancholy single about rediscovering his inner child, “Kid Again,” was on loop for several days as I wrung his soulful vocals out for every last drop.

Eventually, these songs do make their way out of the rotation, but I have been blessed with the uncanny ability to never truly tire of these songs. I remember friends in high school being frankly kind of shitty to me for being able to listen to songs on a loop in my headphones, as if that had any bearing on their lives. Looking back, it was probably less about them being subjected to a song non-stop than it was the idea that someone listened to music differently. I had earbuds in, what did it matter to them what they were playing?

Without context, my Spotify Wrapped usually looks insane every year. But looking back at the way I listen to music, I try not to read into it too much. I just know everyone who sees it in passing probably wonders how the hell someone can listen to a funky pop song about Not Coffee hundreds of times without wanting to tear their ears out. And to that I say: If you can’t still love a song after hearing it dozens, hundreds, or apparently thousands of times, that’s a skill issue. Sorry. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go put “Espresso” on for the 1583rd time.