To: Luke
From: Owen
Re: The $1K Puppy

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This handoff will be short and sweet. Last night I made "smooth chili." It peeled skin off the roof of my mouth, and this morning I sent for Basic Red reinforcements. I'm also getting a cold and the dog next door won't shut up, though I don't blame the poor guy. He's practically abandoned for 48 hours at a time. However, the Owen Doctrine calls for taking any low level inconvenience, complaining about it and making the situation 1,000 percent worse. So right now I'm contemplating buying a super soaker, eating asparagus for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a solid week, peeing in the water gun and then hosing down their back yard area, in hopes of un-housebreaking the animal. I'm sure he wants to leave some doggie sculpture on his owner's bed, he just needs to be empowered to do so.

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