Seismitoad Is Loved By Old People Because It's Really Good At Massaging Them

Illustration for article titled Seismitoad Is Loved By Old People Because Its Really Good At Massaging Them
Image: The Pokemon Company / Kotaku

Every Pokemon is interesting and worth talking about. I don’t play a ton of Pokemon, but I do enjoy the universe and I love learning more about the creatures in it. So, Here’s Another Pokemon! It’s Seismitoad!

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Seismitoad Details

Type: Water / Ground

Average Height: 4' 11"

Average Weight: 136.7 lbs

First Added In Generation V


Old people have achy and painful joints and muscles. That’s just part of aging. As you get old, your body gets angry about being alive still or something. I don’t, ask Bill Nye about it. I’m just here to bully Pokemon for a few paragraphs. Anyway, old people! They need some massages to help their achy bodies and lucky for them they can call upon a giant, blue Pokemon covered in weird tumors to rub them violently. Wait..what?

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Sorry, I don’t read ahead and also I write these in real-time with zero editing or changes so I’m also confused to learn that Seismitoad is used by old people to provide them with powerful and comforting massages. To do this it uses the tumor-like blue pimples dotting its body. These pustules can vibrate and this allows them to provide deep tissue massages. And, according to the Pokedex entries found on Bulbapedia, these tumors can vibrate hard enough to obliterate large rocks. So be careful grandma and grandpa or you might get vibrated so hard your organs and bones burst and you pop like a water balloon.

Illustration for article titled Seismitoad Is Loved By Old People Because Its Really Good At Massaging Them
Screenshot: The Pokemon Company

I’ll ask what many of you are thinking: Do people use this big blue toad for sex things? Probably! I mean, who discovered that Seismitoad can even do this whole massage thing? I don’t see an old person back in the day walking up to one of these things, pushing their back against it, and going “Shake me!” No. That’s not how folks discovered this. Somebody saw one of these Pokemon vibrating a rock and thought about what that might do to them and they ran over to it and pressed... Look, I don’t need to go into detail about this. As often is the case, though, we can thank and blame perverts for this.

I do wonder if certain Sesimitoads are better at providing massages to people than other toads and become popular. You could even make a business out of having a few of these talented Sesimitoads inside of a spa and charge people for the massages. Or you can use them to help demolish buildings. Very versatile Pokemon.

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Favorite Fan Art

Illustration for article titled Seismitoad Is Loved By Old People Because Its Really Good At Massaging Them
Image: Amayakuu
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Oh no! This just reminded me that this Pokemon looks a lot like that gross, terrible, awful toad with the eggs on its back.

Random Facts

  • Seismitoad is on the only Pokemon with a base stat total of 509. Is that a sexy number? I don’t think so...
  • Seismitoad’s bumps don’t just vibrate. The bumps on its head actually shoot paralyzing liquid. Not as many old people like that feature.
  • This is the second Pokemon I’ve covered who has a large elderly fanbase. How many other Pokemon are beloved by old people? There can’t be that many more?
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Best Comment From Last Week

I once saw a man eaten whole by a Carnivine, and that man was my father. True story.

-John Vuojolainen

I hear Brad Pitt and Speilberg are already in a bidding war over the rights to this story for their next big film.

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Previously On Here’s Another Pokemon...

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Here’s Another Pokemon is a weekly look into one Pokemon and how weird, disturbing, silly, or cool it is and why. Catch new entries each weekend and click here to see all of the past Pokemon we have covered.

Kotaku Weekend Editor | Zack Zwiezen is a writer living in Kansas. He has written for GameCritics, USgamer, Kill Screen & Entertainment Fuse.

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DISCUSSION

medacris
Governor_Explosion

Back when X & Y were released and the Fairy type was introduced, there was a rumor that there was going to be another type introduced in the game, centered around Sound and other vibration-themed attacks.

Honestly, it kinda made sense when you look at Loudred, Seismitoad, Jigglypuff, etc.