Pocket Waifu Is Tamagotchi, Only With Women

Illustration for article titled iPocket Waifu/i Is Tamagotchi, Only With Women

You know what really turns me on? Microtransactions.

I know I’m not alone. There must be dozens out there for whom the mere thought of blowing $9 on a virtual hat gets us dripping below the waist. Oh yeah, we say. Charge it right to my card, you saucy minx. Give me those abstracted gem-based currencies with which I may buy ways to make this game slightly easier.

NSFW Warning: This post contains NSFW imagery.

Illustration for article titled iPocket Waifu/i Is Tamagotchi, Only With Women
Advertisement

If any of that resonates with you, perhaps you’d like to check out Pocket Waifu, available for free on Nutaku. The game takes the dating sim concept of putting Kindness Coins into a woman until ice-cold cans of Sex come out the bottom, and shamelessly reduces it into a Tamagotchi-style girl-babysitting experience in which your—sigh—”waifu” requires sleep, snacks, showers, and video games to fall in love with you. You can also spend real world money on gifts, toys, furniture and outfits for your collection of waifus.

On top of all that, you’ve been cursed by a nude demon woman (with a painful-looking clitoral hood piercing) who takes your soul in exchange for the power to... make women come over to your house? Unwillingly? It’s not entirely clear.

Advertisement
Illustration for article titled iPocket Waifu/i Is Tamagotchi, Only With Women

Pocket Waifu is a massive ball of contradictions and nonsense. It’s clearly shameless enough to not care that it’s portraying women as helpless babes who are unable to shower themselves without your help, or to get food out of the fridge without posing like a porn star.

Advertisement

And yet, from time to time, the aforementioned nude demon berates you for thinking that women are mere vending machines for sex.

Illustration for article titled iPocket Waifu/i Is Tamagotchi, Only With Women
Advertisement

Shortly after saying this, I managed to poke a woman into showing me her labia. And I literally mean “poke,” here: the word “poke” comes up every time you click her, and her ample bosom (because it’s never not ample) bounces like a 7.5 on the Richter scale.

I don’t want to seem prudish—I’m completely down with sex games being contrived and silly. Just as it’s completely fine to have lashings of poetic license in things like Twilight—”I love you because I’m a vampire and your blood smells delicious”—I don’t particularly care if sex games need to tell me that women are only swarming around me because I’m cursed. Sure, I can get down with that.

Advertisement
Illustration for article titled iPocket Waifu/i Is Tamagotchi, Only With Women

But to tell me that this game isn’t about kindness coins? I can literally buy an item called “Lust Dust,” or spend Gacha tickets on gifts that I can give to various women to make me like them more. There’s even a meter at the top that tells me how much they like me. Just be honest in your grubbiness. It’s not like I can judge, anyway—anyone who clicks on “Pocket Waifu” is probably not in any position to judge.

Advertisement

Perhaps I’m blaming Pocket Waifu for the failings of sex games in general, but I’m finding it difficult to discover many sex games that don’t have a base level of disrespect for both their players, and the games themselves. It’s honestly fine if you enjoy grubby sex games. Everyone has their personal preferences, and as long as no one’s getting hurt, feel free to get your rocks off however you like.

Illustration for article titled iPocket Waifu/i Is Tamagotchi, Only With Women
Advertisement

But when almost all sex games feature the exact same level of grubbiness, the exact same skinny-but-big-boobed women, and the exact same treatment of women as hopeless, shy creatures that nevertheless whap their baps out at the slightest provocation, I have to ask: is this really what the majority of people are into? Or is it just that it’s the only thing available, and therefore ends up shaping the fetishes of those who play games like this?

I can see the argument that sex games don’t need to be a higher form of art, or to have greater respect for themselves. As long as they have the required effect of getting people off, who cares? But why shouldn’t we hold these games to a higher standard? Sex is something that a majority of the population does, or at least thinks about, and there should be more options, in the same way that you can buy furniture from IKEA, or you can buy a one-of-a-kind hand-crafted dining table made from rainforest hardwood. IKEA is great, but sometimes, don’t you want something a little… special? Or even something in a comfortable middle zone, between completely basic and totally unique?

Advertisement
Illustration for article titled iPocket Waifu/i Is Tamagotchi, Only With Women

Pocket Waifu, I apologise for making you the target of this rant. You’ve not really done anything wrong, apart from being pretty tacky. But having played so many sex games that seem like repackaged versions of the same damn thing—virginal women with sizeable racks and a penchant for blushing all the damn time—I want more. I want to see artisan sex games. I want an industry that respects its consumers enough to give them something more substantial. I want the developers to realise that there is next to no market for anyone who’s into men, or even just smaller-boobed women, but that’s an argument for another day.

Advertisement

If we can accept women as more complex beings than Pocket Waifu offers, which I hope we can, then perhaps we can accept men as more complex beings than Pocket Waifu caters to.

Kate Gray is a British games writer based in Montreal. She has worked for Xbox, GameSpot, and Official Nintendo Magazine, before it went to that big newsagents in the sky. RIP.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter

DISCUSSION

I...

I’m almost at a loss for words here.

Almost.

The idea that women are some kind of mystical creature that require knowledge of the Stygian abyss to understand is a myth that has been perpetuated by men of all types, in all groups, since time immemorial.

A particular subset of gamers, however, have found a way to codify that myth into an accepted standard of behaviors: see also “nice guys,” “the friend zone,” “incels,” and a pastiche of other horrid shit that totals out to a single word: misogyny.

I have zero problem with sex games. I have no problem with pornography (assuming everyone is consenting and fairly compensated for their time—and that everyone’s kept safe).

Fuck me, though, if “your girls aren’t slot machines that you put time into and tits fall out; they want things,” is not the most flagrant dogwhistle to the kind of men who think, “Women are materialistic whores who will put out if you spend money on them!”

Time alone can make a significant bridge in a relationship. Time and money are required to make anything work in a capitalistic society, but I married a woman who’s more concerned with the time I spend with her than the money I spend on her.

She is not a unicorn, prancing forth from a forest of myth.

She’s a real person.

...there are plenty of others like her, too.

All this game is doing is codifying the idea that “Alphas with cash get women, everyone else loses out,” which plays in to the sexist, misogynistic thinking of far too damn many people these days.

/rant