Every Pokemon is interesting and worth talking about. I don’t play a ton of Pokemon, but I do enjoy the universe and I love learning more about the creatures in it. So, Here’s Another Pokemon! It’s Magnezone!
Type: Electric/ Steel
Average Height: 3' 11”
Average Weight: 396 lbs
First Added In Generation IV
Earl crept through the woods. Around him he could hear various bug Pokemon buzzing, popping and clicking. It was a cold night, but the bugs didn’t mind. They had stuff to say. Things to do. Just like him. Earl was on a mission.
“DAVE!!!” Earl yelled out into the night. Only a few minutes earlier, Dave had yelled out to him. Normally, the two were experts at exploring the forest. Tonight, they were drunk. So even finding each other was proving to be challenging.
“EARL! OVER HERE!” This time Dave sounded extremely loud and after pushing through a few more bushes and stumbling around a tree, Earl found him. He was frozen, his head tilted up to the stars. He looked almost like a statue, but Earl noticed his eyes. They were jumpy and locked onto something. It took Earl a few moments before he saw it too. Up in the dark sky a large metal...thing. He didn’t know what it was. Neither of them did.
Suddenly the strange, round object spun around and stared back at the two men. It had eyes. Three of them.
“Oh, it’s just a Magnezone. Never mind. Thought it was a UFO or something. Let’s go, Earl. I need another beer.”
Fox Mulder and Dana Scully arrived in the woods outside Route 205. Mulder was anxious the whole ride down here. He had spent most of the trip sharing his theories about Magnezone, many of which involved aliens. This didn’t surprise Scully. After working with Mulder for this long she knew what to expect.
“Scully, according to Bulbapeida, this so-called ‘Pokemon’ is made out of metal, uses magnets to fly around, and communicates with some unknown entity. Now, does that sound like something Pikachu would hang out with, to you?”
She sighed. “Mulder, what did I tell you about using Bulbapedia and Pokedex entries as the basis behind your theories?”
Mulder laughed as he crumpled up his now empty bag of sunflower seeds and shoved it into his coat’s big side pocket.
“What can I say, Scully. I needed something to read. It was a long car ride.”
The two, led by an over-excited Mulder, made their way through the woods and eventually reached Earl and Dave, two local Pokemon trainers who were also in their late 40s and, for some reason, and dressed a lot like hunters from the backwoods of the United States.
“Wait, why are you two FBI agents even here? It was just a Magnezone. No crime was committed. This seems like... a waste of FBI resources.”
Scully nodded in agreement and turned to Mulder to explain how this was all a waste of time, but she saw he was about to do that thing where he goes on and on about a topic, and because he sounds cool, people just let him do it. Every time.
Mulder, unphased by Earl’s logic or Scully’s body language, instead began speaking to the men while looking around the area for signs of aliens, or at least their UFO.
“Did you know that many believe that Magnezone is actually a form of extraterrestrial life and might be from outer space? Or that it might be using the large antenna on its head to communicate with... other, unknown beings?”
“Mulder, just send them a link to the Bulbapedia page and stop wasting everyone’s time on this-” Scully was cut off by Mulder’s next question.
“Were you two drinking?” Mulder had spotted an empty beer can underneath a rain-soaked bush.
“Uh... yeah.. we were...” the two men trailed off. Now, Mulder sighed.
“Damn. Really? Well, that just ruins everything. I’m going back to the car.”
- Magnezone’s average height is 3'11". I now assume Magnezone is a big 311 fan. I wonder if they hang out with Cutiefly.
- According to one Pokedex entry, it uses radar to monitor for enemies and then destroys them with a laser beam. I’m on team Mulder. This doesn’t sound like a Pokemon to me, but some piece of tech.
- Magnezone’s magnetic powers are sometimes too strong and they end up attracting each other and getting stuck to one and another, unable to move.
Pokémon in the anime: This Pokémon will snuggle with you and be your best friend
Pokémon in the videogames: This Pokémon will lick your asshole while you sleep
Now, this is something the FBI should be investigating.