Thanks to games like Fish Out of Water! and Reef Run, I've spent more hours underwater this week than the two months following the theatrical release of The Little Mermaid, which my then-girlfriend made me watch at least a dozen times. That music, it never goes away.

They come flocking to my cauldron crying, "Spells, Ursula — please!" Now you see her. Sitting there across the way. She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her. You want thingamabobs? Dude, I've got a crapload of thingamabobs. Great. I'll be doing this all weekend long.

Oh wait. Whoa-whoa! There, best part of "Kiss the Girl."

Anywho, there are plenty of non-aquatic (up there on land, they understand, that you don't reprimand your daughters) son-of-a-bitch!

Just read the post while I go stab myself in the brain with a fork (not a comb).


What We Played This Week

Fish Out of Water! - iOS - $.99

What a nifty concept! You've got a school of different fish. You skip three of your choosing across the water, graded on distance, height, and number of skips. You join guilds and compete internationally. It's very cool.


Reef Run - iOS - Free

An aquatic adventure as old as time. Yes, it's the old shark-vs.-squid trop, but done in a very pleasant, casual-friendly sort of way.


Ugly Animals - iOS - Free

The only way ugly animals get dates is with gifts, and the only way to give gifts to pretty animals is physics stacking puzzles. It's complicated.


DerpBike - iOS - Free

From Airtight Games, home of Portal creator Kim Swift, comes the absolutely derpiest dirt bike game ever created. The motor sound is a guy making a bike noise. It's just — perfect.


Ark of Sinners Advance - iOS - $2.99

A beautiful side-scrolling action game set in the RPG world of Anima: Beyond Fantasy. Mildly janky, but quite compelling.


Monster Blade - Android - Free

Well, what does it look like? It's sort of like Monster Hunter, only without all of the tedius moving around. Nice-looking game.


iBomber - Android, iOS - Free (Lite Version)

Sure, it's a four-year-old iPhone game. It's also a brand-new Android game, and it'll really make you appreciate how much of a pain-in-the-ass piloting a bomber must be.


App Reviews for the Week of April 15-19, 2013

No One Can Stop Mr. Crab

Sometimes I buy a game in iTunes simply because it shows up in the new and recommended section of the store. Other times I purchase a game because it looks like it might be incredibly stupid. I bought Mr. Crab for both of these reasons, and after a weekend spent in crustacean circles I'm feeling pretty bad about the… Read…


Stay Alight Takes Me to a Dark Place

Try as they might, the silly, bug-eyed pollution monsters populatingStay Alight do absolutely nothing to lessen the macabre, melancholy mood of a world littered with forgotten toys and the broken bodies of those that came before. Read…


An Annoying New Way to Play One of the World's Best Word Games

I love word games, and PopCap's Bookworm series has always treated me right. I've spent countless hours playing Bookworm and the epic role-playing hybrid Bookworm Adventures, knowing full-well that once I start playing a game in the franchise I'm not stopping for anything. That is, unless it's the new turn-based… Read…


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Run Across NYC Rooftops to Score Speed

Pursued by a relentless robot across the rooftops of New York City, our young heroes must maintain a continuous supply of speed or they'll be abducted by aliens. Nickelodeon presets Paranoid Reptilian Methamphetamine Junkies. Or the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game for iOS. Read…