In Which Owen Rants

To: Luke, Bash From: Owen Re: Throat... Burns... cc: Board of Directors, Rite-Aid Corporation (NYSE: RAD) So I went into the Rite Aid yesterday to buy two damn things: Soap, specifically Old Spice High Endurance Body Wash, and Early Times. This is the Rite Aid next to Capcom so fuck you, it's relevant. Now, in a drugstore, which would you expect to be more difficult to find? Oh, this ain't North Carolina where the government sells you your booze. Because alcohol is a drug, my friend, we get to sell it at pharmacies in California, along with other health-relevant products like Dora the Explorer backpacks. So the corn squeezins are front and damn well center at any establishment with the liquor license, because it sure as hell cost a lot for the privilege.But soap, I searched like hell for that. It wasn't near the shampoo, the conditioner, the goddamn bubble bath (yes, they even have an aisle and a sign for that) nor the dish soap, dishwasher detergent, bleach, meth ingredients, fuckin' NOWHERE. So I gave up. And then, after waiting in line behind someone using food stamps and a co-signed Yahoo! Bill Pay check to buy taquitos - again, from a drugstore - the guy asks me "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Like I want to step out of line, go get it, come back and wait some more. What are you asking me for now? If I'm in line, that ship has SAILED. Memo to Rite Aid's Vice President of Stock Room Engineering: Why is it so hard to just PUT SHIT ... that is like OTHER SHIT ... NEXT to THAT SHIT. Huh? Put the soap next to the shampoo next to the other crap that gets me clean, because they're all interchangeable parts. I've washed my hair with Palmolive, I ain't proud. Put the toilet paper next to the paper napkins next to the paper towels, because when I run out of asswipe, I'm using the napkins, and when I run out of those, it's on to Brawny. And it works in reverse too. Yeah, I've served sandwiches on Angel Soft, fuck you. Put the mayonnaise next to the mustard next to the ketchup. Don't put it next to salad dressing because, although technically it is, when was the last time you were at the Olive Garden and you asked the server for the salad dressing options and then said, "I'll have a big ole wad of Hellman's." Which, I should clarify, is the East Coast version of Best Foods. You see, there's an east coast-west coast division of condiments in America, apparently. Biggie: Hellman's. Tupac: Best Foods. It's like a big rap war. With mayonnaise. Can we splice this with Consumerist? Where was I? Oh yeah, the highlights: Parents Let Kid Drop Out of High School to Focus on Guitar Hero Button Mashing Has Its Virtues Forgive Dad, He Knows Not What He Does A Gallery of Madden Glitch Goodness'What I Learned From Not Playing Civilization' The 'Narrative' Straw Man: We're Not Doing That Badly China's Gaming Market Going Up, Up, Up


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