Biff Tannen Promises a Perfect Week This Time. Really, Trust Him.

Illustration for article titled Biff Tannen Promises a Perfect Week This Time. Really, Trust Him.

Hey, are you a sports fan on the go? Who has time these days to watch the big game, or bother with messy DVR, or boring highlight shows? With Biff Tannen's Sports Almanac, we'll give you the weekend's biggest matchups before they happen, thanks to these highly accurate peer-reviewed scientific simulations of sports video gaming's finest titles.


OK, wimps. We've got the exciting finish of the NHL regular season this weekend, the Brits have a nice top-of-table match going tomorrow, unless it's already tomorrow there, I can never tell what time it is. And there are four baseball games tonight if you want to go get your Pete Rose on. Give Staten Island Val my regards.

Major League Baseball

simulated using MLB 12 The Show
Rosters current as of April 2.

As of publication time there are eight teams that have yet to play their season opener in Major League Baseball's utterly jackassed approach to opening day.


Arizona 2, San Francisco 1: (Friday): Ian Kennedy goes the distance for the Diamondbacks with 10 strikeouts. Tim Lincecum is the hard luck loser with six Ks in six innings.

Tampa Bay 10, New York Yankees 5: (Friday): B.J. Upton is 3-for-4, Ben Zobrist is 4-for-4 and Sean Rodriguez's two-run tater in the bottom of the seventh breaks the game wide open. C.C. Sabathia gives up six runs in his first two innings of work and seven hits over four before being sent to the showers.

Houston 5, Colorado 2: (Friday): Wandy Rodriguez has a marvelous debut for the Astros, scattering six hits over 8 1/3 innings and striking out nine for the win. Troy Tulowitzki sees action and homers but it is his only hit.


Kansas City 7, Los Angeles Angels 4: (Friday): Bruce Chen and the Royals spoil Albert Pujols' American League debut, holding the slugger to a 1-for-4 day. Chen is the winner but has to hang on after being run out of the game in the sixth inning on a Chris Iannetta double that threatens to get a rally started, but the K.C. pen puts down the uprising.


simulated using NHL 12

San Jose 2, Los Angeles 0 (Saturday): All playoff bids have been clinched but the Pacific division title, and the better playoff seeding that goes with it, is up in the air when the Sharks and Kings meet for the second time in two games in Man Jose. Torrey Mitchell supples the first goal, a snap shot from between the circles midway through the second period. Joe Thornton's slapper from the blue line 90 seconds into the third period both calms down and fires up a nervous Shark Tank, as San Jose goes on to defeat the Kings and take their fifth consecutive division title.



simulated using FIFA 12

Arsenal 2-3 Manchester City (Saturday): City draw a tough assignment in their struggle to the top of the Premier League with seven matches left. It looks desperate when Gervinho scores from 11 yards away in the 94th minute to break a 1-1 tie, but City get back with a goal by David Silva from the D, and snatch victory when Carlos Tévez bombs the winner from 9 yards out into the upper right of the goal. Not sure I believe that outcome, but I'm sure it's music to Manchester City's ears.


Biff's Record: 1-6 last week, 47-67 lifetime. I don't know what liquor smells like 'cause I'm too young to drink it.

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I feel like I'm the only one who loves Sportaku and everything else. Apparently no one here likes sports. Stop giving into stereotypes, nerds! :)