What's up buttheads. Need some help picking your bracket? Stop agonizing over useless statistics and half-assed talking head analysis. I have every single winner in the NCAA Tournament right here, so just do what I say and you can start spending that money right now.
Note: Information presented for entertainment purposes only. If you consult video games for sports betting advice, seek help.
For starters, South Florida defeats Cal 60-59, and Vermont gets beat by some guy named Lamar, 73-55, in a game tipping off in 30 minutes. So you're welcome for that. Now, as to the rest of the bracket ...
College Basketball
Simulated using College Hoops 2K8
Rosters by NATIVE AMERICAN
South Regional
VCU reprises its cinderella role of last year by defeating Kentucky and thwarting a 20-year anniversary rematch of the Wildcats thriller with Duke. South Dakota State also makes huge noise by slapping Baylor with a 10-point loss behind 23 points from Nate Wolters.
First Round
Kentucky 63, Western Kentucky 59
Iowa State 77, Connecticut 69
VCU 86, Wichita State 74
Indiana 70, New Mexico State 66
UNLV 85, Colorado 59
South Dakota State 63, Baylor 53
Xavier 73, Notre Dame 53
Duke 72, Lehigh 47
Second Round
Kentucky 96, Iowa State 65
VCU 77, Indiana 69
UNLV 95, South Dakota State 50
Duke 96, Xavier 71
Regional Semifinals
VCU 75, Kentucky 71
Duke 93, UNLV 90
Regional Final
Duke 72, VCU 61
West Regional
With its path to its first Final Four ever practically paved, thanks to Memphis stunning Michigan State, Missouri still can't close the deal, falling 73-68 in an all-Tiger regional final.
First Round
Michigan State 76, Long Island 58
Memphis 66, Saint Louis 50
New Mexico 63, Long Beach State 53
Louisville 84, Davidson 73
Murray State 76, Colorado State 63
BYU 76, Marquette 71
Virginia 65, Florida 63
Missouri 59, Norfolk State 44
Second Round
Memphis 70, Michigan State 59
Louisville 67, New Mexico 64
Murray State 85, Brigham Young 53
Missouri 65, Virginia 51
Regional Semifinals
Memphis 88, Louisville 79
Missouri 86, Murray State 73
Regional Final
Memphis 73, Missouri 68
East Regional
Think Fab Melo's ineligibility isn't costly? Not only will Syracuse endure the humiliation of being the first No. 1 seed to lose in the first round, it won't even be close. Eddie Biedenbach's Bulldogs demolish the Orange by 20, and then lose by one in the second round to an opportunistic Southern Miss. Wisconsin emerges from the chaos.
First Round
UNC-Asheville 75, Syracuse 55
Southern Miss 85, Kansas State 63
Harvard 78, Vanderbilt 53
Wisconsin 82, Montana 73
Cincinnati 97, Texas 58
St. Bonaventure 59, Florida State 52
West Virginia 69, Gonzaga 59
Ohio State 99, Loyola-Maryland 61
Second Round
Southern Miss 70, UNC-Asheville 69
Wisconsin 86, Harvard 72
Cincinnati 60, St. Bonaventure 42
Ohio State 75, West Virginia 66
Regional Semifinals
Wisconsin 71, Southern Miss 53
Cincinnati 77, Ohio State 65
Regional Final
Wisconsin 72, Cincinnati 47
Midwest Regional
Don't laugh over Missouri's misery too much, Kansas fans. You are sent packing in the first round by Detroit. N.C. State benefits most from the upsets at the bottom of the bracket, winning three games in an NCAA tournament for the first time since 1986. But North Carolina chokes away the mother of all rematches, losing to eventual regional champion Temple.
First Round
North Carolina 84, Lamar 79
Creighton 79, Alabama 65
Temple 85, South Florida 73
Ohio 72, Michigan 51
N.C. State 82, San Diego State 59
Belmont 88, Georgetown 74
Saint Mary's 77, Purdue 60
Detroit 72, Kansas 56
Second Round
North Carolina 80, Creighton 60
Temple 92, Ohio 70
N.C. State 97, Belmont 59
Saint Mary's 79, Detroit 51
Regional Semifinals
Temple 77, North Carolina 70
N.C. State 60, Saint Mary's 58
Regional Final
Temple 70, N.C. State 62
The Final Four
Two ugly blowouts set up a final no one saw coming and even fewer want to watch. Duke takes its fifth national championship behind 21 points and 10 assists from tournament MOP Seth Curry.
National Semifinals
Duke 89, Memphis 57
Temple 68, Wisconsin 42
National Championship
Duke 77, Temple 68
Biff's record: 14-10 last week; 23-24 lifetime. Well looky what we have here.