Welcome to "Backhanded Box Quotes," a collection of super pissed-off user reviews from people just like you! Whoa, whoa, don't take that personal.
This week, Backhanded Box Quotes wrangles with the disappointment faced by diehard Kid Icarus fans upon the arrival of their long-awaited sequel—and an appeal for calm and reason by someone who sounds suspiciously like a company ringer.
Kid Icarus Uprising
Released: March 23
Critic: solidandrew (Metacritic).
• "Okay boys, here's the real lowdown on Kid Icarus: it sucks!"
• "[An] embarrassment to Sakurai's name"
• "[Leaves] me worrying about the next Smash Brothers"
Critic: Reggie (Metacritic. Or is it this Reggie?)
• "Don't listen to the biased Nintendo haters that rate every game a 0 because they're jealous"
• "BUY THIS GAME."
• "Support Nintendo for its original, fresh ideas like this. If this flops, it's YOUR fault if Nintendo doesn't take chances on new franchises."
Score: 10
I Am Alive
Released: March 7
Critic: yigalzr (Metacritic).
• "I will finish with a personal message for Stanislas Mettra, regarding his comment about 'PC gamers are **** [Editor's Note: Pissed? Bitching? Fuck?] about there being no version for them,' you may definitely keep this piece of crap to yourself, we (PC games) don't need it."
• "4.5 is way more than this crap deserves."
Score: 0
Critic: Iamthecell (Metacritic).
• "The game is awful."
• "Bland looking and BORING."
• "Worst purchase I've made in a while."
Score: 2
FIFA Street
Released: March 13
Critic: TheKerbinator (Metacritic).
• "The 1 out of 10 I [gave] it is in fact generous as it deserved more of a zero."
• "Don't buy this game it will cause you anger."
Score: 1
Backhanded Box Quotes will be an occasional feature of Kotaku's Anger Management hour, unless it isn't.