Backhanded Box Quotes: 'Keep This Piece of Crap to Yourself'

Illustration for article titled Backhanded Box Quotes: 'Keep This Piece of Crap to Yourself'

Welcome to "Backhanded Box Quotes," a collection of super pissed-off user reviews from people just like you! Whoa, whoa, don't take that personal.

This week, Backhanded Box Quotes wrangles with the disappointment faced by diehard Kid Icarus fans upon the arrival of their long-awaited sequel—and an appeal for calm and reason by someone who sounds suspiciously like a company ringer.


Kid Icarus Uprising

Released: March 23
Critic: solidandrew (Metacritic).
"Okay boys, here's the real lowdown on Kid Icarus: it sucks!"

"[An] embarrassment to Sakurai's name"

"[Leaves] me worrying about the next Smash Brothers"

Critic: Reggie (Metacritic. Or is it this Reggie?)
"Don't listen to the biased Nintendo haters that rate every game a 0 because they're jealous"


"Support Nintendo for its original, fresh ideas like this. If this flops, it's YOUR fault if Nintendo doesn't take chances on new franchises."


Score: 10

I Am Alive

Released: March 7
Critic: yigalzr (Metacritic).
"I will finish with a personal message for Stanislas Mettra, regarding his comment about 'PC gamers are **** [Editor's Note: Pissed? Bitching? Fuck?] about there being no version for them,' you may definitely keep this piece of crap to yourself, we (PC games) don't need it."


"4.5 is way more than this crap deserves."

Score: 0

Critic: Iamthecell (Metacritic).
"The game is awful."

"Bland looking and BORING."

"Worst purchase I've made in a while."

Score: 2

FIFA Street

Released: March 13
Critic: TheKerbinator (Metacritic).
"The 1 out of 10 I [gave] it is in fact generous as it deserved more of a zero."


"Don't buy this game it will cause you anger."

Score: 1

Backhanded Box Quotes will be an occasional feature of Kotaku's Anger Management hour, unless it isn't.



Once again, seeing the overwhelming amount of comments saying "The controls are good once you get used to them" "They take a while getting used to". This is just like when people say "FFXIII gets good around the 30 hour mark"

That is NOT acceptable. When did it come down to us paying money for a game with controls so broken that we have to spend hours "getting used to them" because Nintendo couldn't release the 3DS with a second analog stick, let along a comfortable control scheme. If I told you eating feces got better after the first few logs would you eat it? Aside from Kid Icarus, I can't remember another game that within 5 minutes I couldn't fully control my character with ease and without being uncomfortable while playing.

I played the first 3 stages and am not only bored but frustrated. Since Mario Land 3D every game for the 3DS has been a disappointment. I am also one of the only ones who dislikes Resident Evil: Revelations. The fact that a 3DS stand and a Circle Pad Pro exist is enough to make any logical person look down on the 3DS.

It boggles my mind how the Vita is still selling poorly but the 3DS is doing good. I have owned both since launch and I have already played my Vita more than my 3DS and I own more 3DS games. I cannot be the only person dissatisfied with Kid Icarus.