Editor’s Note - 5:25pm: This story, part of our regular coverage of the intersection of sex and games, originally included screenshots from several porn parodies with a note that they were Not Safe For Work. We’ve since removed those images. While the intent of this article was to provide a snapshot of the kind of gaming and geek porn that’s out there now, it’s clear in retrospect that, in terms of the images and the analysis you expect from us, we made a mistake. Readers are understandably uncomfortable about these kinds of depictions of characters who are often depicted as or thought of as teenagers. I am, too and apologize. We can do better, and we will. - Stephen Totilo, Editor-in-Chief
The other day, I called my friend and asked her if she would be down to watch a bunch of video game porn with me so I could write about it.
I am blessed to have the kind of friends who would not only say yes to this kind of thing, but would actively plan a beer-and-porn evening where I could also snuggle up with her gigantic fluffy beast of a dog. Before you all start making creepy comments, the porn wasn’t remotely sexy. It was hilarious, and I wanted someone else to laugh at how bad it was. Plus, my friend had been in porn herself, too. I wanted her expertise. And also to cuddle her dog.
NSFW Warning: Explicit scenes of computer-rendered sex.
We began with some extremely terrible Harry Potter porn. My friend and I are both into Harry Potter, as much as you can be now that the author has turned out to be a trans-exclusionary feminist who clumsily retcons diversity into her work.
There were four episodes, each centering on a different coupling, each using the low-poly models from, I would guess, one of the PlayStation 2 games. Most of them—for reasons only the creator can know—involved Crabbe. Or Goyle. I don’t know or care about the difference, honestly. Let’s just say Crabbe.
It would have been quite an entertaining watch if it wasn’t for the utter disregard for accuracy. Hermione and Crabbe met up in the Gryffindor common room (which is unlikely, as Crabbe would need the password) and then had sex on the sofa in front of the fire. Crabbe magically removed Hermione’s uniform with a wordless spell (which is magic far too advanced for Crabbe) and then, at the end, ejaculated a weird, stringy slime onto her. In another scene, Draco rimmed Cho Chang in the hospital while Ron and Hermione had a cheeky shag next door (which seems logistically unlikely, not to mention unhygienic).
Finally, Harry got into the girls’ dormitory to get a blowjob from Ginny (impossible, since it’s enchanted against boys—the dormitory, that is, not Ginny’s vagina). All the while, Cho and Hermione lay fully naked on top of their bedsheets, and at the end Harry transformed into Draco and looked right at the camera.
If anyone actually manages to find any of that sexy, I take my hat off to them. Especially as none of the female models had clitorises.
Then, we found some Zelda porn. It’s hardly surprising that these videos turned Link into a flat-assed dude with the sexual prowess of a spoon, a dick as thick as a forearm, and a shaft that flopped around at the tip like a fancy vacuum cleaner attachment. That’s what porn seems to require from men, and it’s disappointing. Link is pretty sexy with his clothes on, after all. Can’t we make him a little more of a hunk in porn?
The first scene we saw was Link and Mipha, which is a pretty obvious pairing, although I now know that Mipha has nipples and a gag reflex. This one, unlike a lot of others, is actually voiced, which meant hearing Mipha’s girlish voice going “mm, ah, oh, slorp” more often than I would have liked. It wasn’t a bad scene, especially after the Harry Potter ones, but not a particularly inventive one, either.
While Link and Mipha were making tadpoles, Zelda was having sex with Bokoblins. As you do. In a surprisingly accurate treatment of the source material, however, Zelda is pictured wearing the Bokoblin mask, which makes the little creeps accept you as one of their own. Hence, the sex. She even attempts to give head to the Moblins, the ten-foot-tall enemies from the game, apparently with dicks to match.
All the while, her actual in-game voiceover plays, asking Link, “How did it come to this?” She pleads with him to help, wailing, “I’m sorry—my power is not strong enough,” as her face is plastered with rails of jizz. “Wake up, Link,” she says, after consuming enough Bokoblin sperm to feed a family. “Open your eyes.” And he does. It was only a nightmare! A weirdly specific nightmare!
Finally, we found some animated Pokémon porn. The first scene was between Jessie, Ash, and Pikachu (who had a human penis). It was boring. The second was between Misty, Hypno, and Lickitung. It was horrifying. Hypno uses his hypnosis powers for evil, while Lickitung slaps his big wet tongue all over Misty’s shorts, for some reason. At one point, Misty... sucks off the tongue? I don’t want to have sex with Pokémon, but surely there are more exciting scenarios than “being in a threesome with a walking tongue and a magician”?
I left my friend’s house covered in dog hair, drunk from the beers, and potentially put off sex forever. I know people want to have sex with video game characters. I wouldn’t say no to Solid Snake and his dummy thicc ass. But it’s just not there yet. I’d love to see a video with the inventiveness of the Pokémon porn done in a slightly less gross way, with the attention to detail of the Zelda porn, plus the references to the source material that the Harry Potter porn attempted (and failed) to do. The ingredients are all there, but the cake is still a lie.