Life is rough when your parents gave you the name “Dildo Face.” But why wallow in self-pity when you can engage in a little nominative determinism instead, and find ways to make the name Dildo Face work for you?
NSFW Warning: Images of very large cartoon sex toys and assorted naked Sims.
You see, my sweet Sim son has a dildo for a face. It’s a horse dildo, to make it worse—it’s four feet long, much longer than a regular face. He can’t really escape from that whole why-the-long-face situation, but he does have a rockin’ bod underneath it all, and that makes up for some of it.
Dildo Face moved in with Milk Maid, the owner of the previously-mentioned semen café, Cum Hither. This was mostly because I figured they would have something in common, and also because I didn’t want to bother other law-abiding citizens with a roommate whose head-horn flopped around like a silicone narwhal.
But poor Dildo Face was struggling. If some jobs won’t even let you have tattoos and piercings, what’s a sweet dildo boy supposed to do in the cutthroat world of careers? Become an entrepreneur, of course: Start his own business, and be his own boss!
And that’s how Dildo Face became the owner and sole performer in the first Sims strip club in town, Boner Daddies (named after a ramen joint, Bone Daddies, that I used to frequent). It will probably surprise very few of you to know that The Sims 4 doesn’t allow for strip clubs. I downloaded quite a few mods to try to rectify that: pole dancing animations, a stripper career, and, of course, Wicked Whims. Sadly, none satisfied my need for a functioning strip club business: Dildo Face could climb up on the pole and grind his booty to hip-hop all night, but he wouldn’t earn any money for it.
So, I decided to lean into it. Instead of being a strip club, it would be more like one of those restaurants near Broadway, where aspiring stage actors belt out songs while they served you onion rings. People might not be paying for the service, but they’re certainly coming for it.
And so, Bone Daddies became a restaurant, albeit one with dim lighting, a catwalk in the middle, and several poles with questionable grease streaks. None of Dildo Face’s employees joined him on the pole, as they were there for waitressing and waitressing only. He didn’t complain. He merely continued to grind solo.
The Sim customers would watch him, mesmerized—mostly because I’d made all the chairs in the room face the stage—while they ate their burgers and chicken wings. But I started to realize that something else was happening. Something that could only happen in The Sims.
Boner Daddies was a huge success. Somehow, in between the pole dancing and the hiring of unscrupulous chefs, Dildo Face had lucked into a five-star restaurant. I had set the menu to be only the kind of fare that you might expect in a dingy, single-stripper strip club—anything deep fried, breaded, and beige—and by some strange miracle, it was being touted as Michelin-star food.
Maybe the critics thought that Boner Daddies was a satirical take on fast food culture. It... really wasn’t. But maybe that just goes to show that you can follow your crappy dreams, despite the dildo you have for a head, and someone, somewhere, will assume you’re just being a cool hipster.