“Please defeat these children,” she said. “It looks like they won’t learn without some pain.” Don’t worry, it feels pretty good. Wait...

Now before anyone gets on my case about defeating children and how good it feels, know that GOCCO of War (that’s Global Online Chibi Combat Offensive...of War) is an online multiplayer game recently released on Steam that’s all about a theme park where children go to shoot and stab virtual children. And the odd real child. I am not explaining this very well. That’s kind of why I made the video. You should watch that.

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I stumbled across GOCCO of War during a random Steam browsing session, and I was immediately drawn to big-headed anime characters, because they are freakish and lovable. What I discovered upon booting up developer peakvox’s online multiplayer virtual child combat simulator was even more freakish and lovable.

The player, either alone or online in a room with up to 32 players, embarks on quests in this strange virtual playground, most of which involve shooting or stabbing colorful creature and virtual children with weapons powered by air, because they’re good for the environment. Even though the environment is virtual.

We are assured that the children and creatures we are battling are virtual. Immediately things get creepy.

Wait, what? Are you asking me if it...well, I guess it did? I mean, they’re all virtual and have giant heads, so it’s okay.

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Soon I come across a fellow real-world child (an NPC), who challenges me to a fight. Isn’t that against the rules?

Phew, dodged an air bullet there. The little blonde girl can talk all the smack she wants, but we can’t fight because the rules forbid it!

As it turns out, the purple-haired woman learned child care from my dad. Unfortunate.

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Her name is Ono, and she’s the park administrator. She’s not very good at her job, and the children take advantage, because they are children and children are little monsters.

Then I have to fight a kid whose mom died.

And I sat there, mouth hanging open as I filled this tragic figure with air bullets.

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? Please tell me this is all a joke.

Children are little monsters, in case you missed it before. His mother is actually a part-time janitor for the park, so he can play whenever he wants. So he’s an entitled little monster as well.

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Again, check out the video for an entertaining trip through the first quest in GOCCO of War. The game’s available on Steam right now on sale for $14.99. If you like what you see, I am delighted and afraid at the same time.

NEXT TIME ON GOCCO OF WAR:

Contact the author, FAHEY of War, at fahey@kotaku.com or follow him on Twitter at @bunnyspatial