Xbox Almost as Old as the Assholes on Xbox Live

Illustration for article titled Xbox Almost as Old as the Assholes on Xbox Live

Happy birthday, Xbox! You turn 10 today. Microsoft is celebrating your birthday by selling people a much prettier version of Halo: Combat Evolved.

They did not get you a bicycle.

Honestly, they barely talk about you anymore. They prefer your younger brother, though I think they're even more proud of that alien-looking thing that plugs into him.


You were their pride and joy, once. Today, they thought about you again. Briefly. You're so old now! Almost old enough to hop onto Xbox Live and hurl inappropriate slurs at the people you play online games against. That's what kids do, I hear through my headset.

Don't worry, though. People can disrespect you all they want. People can look back at your library of games and laugh at the lack of classics. They can mock your original controller. It was made for giants with cold hands. They can say you were fat and dumpy and too obsessed with acid green.

People can say a lot of bad things about you. But, me? I can't. You are the reason I played Knights of the Old Republic. So I think you're pretty damn special.

I'm glad to have known you.

(David McNew | Getty Images)

You can contact Stephen Totilo, the author of this post, at You can also find him on Twitter, Facebook, and lurking around our #tips page.

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HALO the most unremarkable successful console game ever released.