What Did Fortnite Do To My Boy?

Illustration for article titled What Did Fortnite Do To My Boy?
Screenshot: Epic / Kotaku

You all know I’m a fan of Meowscles, Fortnite’s needlessly sexy cat avatar introduced in Season 2. But Epic, not content to ruin my week just by making me listen to court testimony six hours a day, has given him a Steamboat Willie makeover. I’m not having it.


Toon Meowscles is now in the item shop, where 1400 V-Bucks will get you a version of him styled after an early black-and-white cartoon, as well as a back bling of some tinned fish and an emote that adds some overwrought animation to his flexes and stretches. For 1700 V-Bucks, you can get Toon Meowscles in a bundle that includes the load screen seen at the top of this post, a dumbbell pickaxe, and some incongruously modern lobby music.

Epic introduced Toon Meowscles in a cartoon in which my future husband—who I imagine has spent the pandemic perfecting an Insta-worthy sourdough boule and teaching free, socially-distanced workout classes in the park near his apartment during which he tells everyone they’re “crushing it”—eats some trash. Trash! To be fair he plates it beautifully, but in my headcanon, if Meowscles is going to dumpster dive, he’s going to do it thoughtfully and make sure he shares the good stuff with everyone (looking at you, fans of the circa 2008 Brooklyn Trader Joe’s dumpsters) and always clean up the bags after. He wouldn’t just dive in.

And then there’s that lobby music, which isn’t the era-appropriate swing found in the cartoon, but some kind of slow jam that’s basically fine but just makes no sense with this version of Meowscles. It’s definitely something you’d put on in the background when you had that cool guy from your book club over for crudités, a situation that is light years away from thoughtlessly turning on old cartoons for your nephews and then worrying that something racist happens in them and trying to surreptitiously Google it while keeping one hand on the remote in case you suddenly need to turn the TV off.


How dare you, Epic.


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What Did Fortnite Do To My Boy?”

The question on millions of parent’s minds.