I’m Nathan Grayson, host of Nint-Infowars, coming to you live from THE BOTTOM OF A HOLE from which I’m now forced to broadcast after having been banned from all social media and also the earth’s surface. During today’s Nintendo Direct, Nintendo showed us what APPEARED to be a living, breathing Luigi, even though THE VERY SAME NINTENDO callously CUT HIM DOWN just last month. The man you saw today, readers and lizard-hating ultra-patriots, is not Luigi. He’s a body double. It’s clear as day.

You know, like Paul McCartney, who died in 1966 and was replaced by a lookalike who still wanders the earth composing Destiny theme songs to this day, or Avril Lavigne, who died in 2003 and was replaced by a double whose face is ALL WRONG. Luigi, too, is part of the GLOBAL COVER-UP that’s slowly but surely replacing popular entertainers with OBEDIENT MIND SLAVES.

Consider the evidence: ever since Nintendo hired a LIBERAL SATANIST PEDOPHILE REAPER to tear Luigi’s soul RIGHT OUT OF HIS GUTS in the reveal trailer for Simon Belmont in Smash Bros Ultimate, it’s been trying to act like nothing happened, and the LAMESTREAM MEDIA has been complicit in heaping dishonest dirt atop Luigi’s unmarked grave. “Luigi is okay,” a Nintendo-affiliated Twitter account flippantly remarked mere moments after the heart-rending tragedy that stole the life of an innocent blue collar worker who’s PROBABLY from America’s heartland. Polygon, having coordinated with Nintendo IN THE SHADOWS, ran an equally flippant headline: “Don’t worry: Luigi’s not dead after the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Direct.”

See??? Nintendo’s been trying to bury this thing since day one, but I’m about to BLOW IT WIDE OPEN. First, though, consider buying one of many impotence-curing (or -inducing; I forget which) supplements so that I can keep paying garbage workers to drop discarded food into this hole.

NOW, let’s take a closer look at the scene of Luigi’s death. First thing: the reaper’s scythe DIDN’T ACTUALLY KILL HIM. Just before the scythe struck, Luigi CLEARLY had a heart attack:

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So even if the Mushroom Kingdom—a front for a VAST TOAD SEX RING—has a way of putting Luigi’s soul back in his body, his body is DEAD. KAPUT. WORM CHOW. Luigi, who grew angry and vengeful after peaking with the Year of Luigi, is almost certainly in hell.

Now let’s examine the Luigi we saw in the Luigi’s Mansion portion of today’s Nintendo Direct:

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That’s the face of a man fearful not of ghosts, but rather of HIS SECRET BEING BLOWN WIDE OPEN BY A HANDSOME GENIUS WHO LIVES IN A HOLE. Notice, too, the shape of his chin, which is significantly more rotund than this pic of Luigi from better, bygone times:

The real DEAD GIVEAWAY, though? That’s right, you guessed it: HIS DICK. You’ll remember that, using tennis science, Nint-Infowars baby horror correspondent Gita Jackson ascertained that Luigi’s dick is EXACTLY 3.7 INCHES FLACCID.

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Now gaze upon THE IMPOSTOR’S dick and see the truth:

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It’s a minuscule, polygonal protrusion—A MERE SPECK compared to the true Luigi’s 3.7 inches. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT; ALL DICKS ARE EQUAL IN THE EYES OF THE LORD. But still: this is proof positive that, whoever that is, it’s not Luigi.

Meanwhile, later in the Direct, we saw Mario, barely able to contain his RED-BLOODED EMOTIONS over his brother’s untimely passing:

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Nintendo tried to hide it, but IT FAILED. This calls into question EVERYTHING WE KNOW about Mushroom Kingdom’s tennis-playing, kart-racing, endlessly partying elites. “New head canon: Waluigi is the reanimated corpse of Luigi, angry and jealous that his body double is more beloved and no one sees him for who he truly is,” said SOME GUY I KNOW on Twitter. That means it’s true!

That’s all for now, Nint-Infowars faithful. I, of course, will continue to dutifully expose Nintendo’s rancid lies until the company COMES CLEAN. I will also continue EATING TRASH from the BOTTOM OF A HOLE because if I don’t, who will???