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Bowser Is Only Four Feet Tall, Judging By Luigi’s Penis

Illustration for article titled Bowser Is Only Four Feet Tall, Judging By Luigi’s Penis
Image: Nintendo/Kotaku

Thanks to this promotional image for the upcoming Mario Tennis Aces, an intrepid fan figured out how big Luigi’s dick is. Let’s use their math to figure out the sizes of other Mario objects and characters.

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Let’s not beat around the bush here. In this promotional picture for Mario Tennis Aces, you can see the outline of something in his pants that is more than just Ken-doll smoothness. Assuming it’s not a 1-up mushroom that he stashed away for later, that is presumably Luigi’s penis.

Illustration for article titled Bowser Is Only Four Feet Tall, Judging By Luigi’s Penis
Image: Nintendo
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Twitter user Mithrilbowtie did some quick math and figured out that Luigi’s penis is about 3.7 inches flaccid. Here’s the formula behind this calculation: tennis rackets range from 27 to 29 inches long, so let’s say for the sake of simplification that everyone is using a 28-inch racket, which is about 300 pixels in this image. If Luigi’s bulge is about 40 pixels long, then that would measure out to be 3.7 inches. Math!

It’s really great that we’ve all been on this journey together, and honestly, I’m so happy for Luigi that he has a dick. But we’re also presented with a wonderful opportunity here: we can use this math to measure everything else in Mario Tennis Aces. Have you ever wondered how tall Peach is? She’s 3 feet, 3 inches.

Illustration for article titled Bowser Is Only Four Feet Tall, Judging By Luigi’s Penis
Image: Nintendo/Kotaku
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How about Toad? He’s tiny! He’s 29.2 inches tall, only slightly longer than his tennis racket.

Illustration for article titled Bowser Is Only Four Feet Tall, Judging By Luigi’s Penis
Image: Nintendo/Kotaku
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How long is Mario’s moustache, you ask? About a foot and a half long.

Illustration for article titled Bowser Is Only Four Feet Tall, Judging By Luigi’s Penis
Image: Nintendo/Kotaku
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How big is Bowser? This one is a little trickier. In the promotional image they use, half his racket is obscured by his hand, and he’s also hunched over. I made my best estimate on the length of the racket, and measured his body in two sections. Bowser is around 3 feet, 11 inches. He’s the size of a large child. You could definitely take Bowser in a fight.

Illustration for article titled Bowser Is Only Four Feet Tall, Judging By Luigi’s Penis
Image: Nintendo/Kotaku
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I honestly had no idea that the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom were all so tiny! This knowledge truly enriches my life. And to think, it’s all because of Luigi’s penis.

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DISCUSSION

Dr. M to the J, PhD

Are we doing this? Because if we’re doing this then we’re going to have to address the elephant in the room:

Bowser has the ability to change size.

The evidence for this is abundant. One of Bowser’s most important abilities (along with breathing fire, obviously) is the ability to change size.

All the other characters in the Mario universe are a consistent size from game-to-game. Luigi is always a little taller than Mario. Peach is always taller than Mario. Toad is always shorter than Mario. Wario is always fatter than Mario. Waluigi is an abomination. Et cetera.

But Bowser’s size changes all the time.

Here’s Bowser in Super Mario Bros. He’s just a smidge taller than Mario if he stood up straight:

Here’s Bowser in New Super Mario Bros. He’s, like, the size of a three story building:

Here’s Bowser in Super Mario RPG. Again, maybe a little taller than Mario:

And here he is in Super Mario Odyssey. Obviously about four times taller than Mario, maybe a little more, but not quite as enormous as in New Super Mario Bros:

Finally, here’s Bowser in Smash 4. This time he’s certainly taller than Mario, but not more than maybe 1.5-2x taller:

This abundant evidence proves unequivocally, beyond a shadow of a doubt that Bowser has the ability to change size.

This also disproves the alternative Two Bowsers theory, which purports that there are two Bowsers—one huge and one a little bit bigger than Mario. Clearly, we have seen Bowser at various sizes throughout his history.

The simplest explanation can only be: Bowser has the ability to change size.