Valve Probably Never Expected Anyone To Solve This TF2 Equation

SteamedSteamedSteamed is dedicated to all things in and around Valve’s PC gaming service.

"We're not bread." It was supposed to be a throwaway gag in Valve's official video for Team Fortress 2's Love and War update, which launched almost a year ago.

Yes, a year. It's a video in which the whole cast is certain they're going to die, so I suppose it's only fitting that fans saw fit to dredge it up.

The line comes from a series of goofy mathematical equations tossed out by the Medic, who's calculating how long it will be until everybody dies from teleporter-induced tumors. The exact quote is: "Well, we use the Teleporter, let's say, six times a day. [That] times four years, minus... 'we're not bread.' Three days. Yes, we have three days to live!" The denizens of /r/tf2, of course, decided they had to know the value of "we're not bread," so they did a good old-fashioned solve-for-X.

Advertisement

Here's what user zrakkur came up with:

(Worth noting: that last line apparently has a typo. 8677 should be 8766.)

You'll note that they also made sure to adjust for the possibility of a leap year, because you never know. And in the pursuit of absolute understanding of fictional bread (or not-bread, as the case may be), you can never be too safe. And no, it's not particularly complicated math, but still: that's goddamn dedication—something, I might add, that already qualified as regular, non-damned-by-god dedication when people rescued a year-old video from the smoldering ruins of time and memory and the Internet's startling ability to stop giving a fuck after five minutes because why not? tl;dr: Bravo.

Advertisement

So yes, there we go. The value of "we're not bread" is 8765. Which I suppose means the value of bread is -8765. Do with that as you will (read: probably nothing).

Thanks for the heads-up, Pixel Dynamo.

The Steam Community Showcase is a regular look at the cream of the Steam community's boundless crop. Art, videos, guides—whatever. Each installment highlights a specific piece or person. If you find anything cool on Steam or would like to have your work featured, drop me a line.

Advertisement

To contact the author of this post, write to nathan.grayson@kotaku.com or find him on Twitter @vahn16.

Share This Story