Funko, the toy company behind the adorable/creepy/vacant-eyed parody dolls of beloved cultural icons ranging from Spider-Man to David Cross that time he covered himself in blue paint for in episode of Arrested Development, announced in a new blog post today it will soon be selling cereal as well. It’ll be called FunkOs and each box will come with its own Funko Pop. Yes. Of Course. Why not.
But there’s more. Rather than just make one cereal and then throw in random dolls, Funko is producing six separate lines of branded cereal, with the first ones to begin rolling out this month to a truly random assortment of brick and mortar stores. This leads me to believe this is all part of an elaborate plot to breath one last gasp of stale milky air into America’s dying malls.
Here’s the breakdown:
- Mega Man FunkO’s: GameStop
- Cuphead & Mugman FunkO’s: Hot Topic
- Nightmare On Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger FunkO’s: FYE
- Friday the 13th’s Jason FunkO’s: FYE
- The Lord of the Rings Gollum FunkO’s: BoxLunch
- Freddy FunkO’s: Funko’s website
There will apparently be “additional cereals” coming later in the year, which seems both absurd and yet not at all surprising given just how many unique Funko Pops already exist in the world. The company hasn’t said how much each box will cost or, better yet, what the cereal is even supposed to taste like. Are they just off-brand Fruit Loops? Do they taste better than last year’s Super Mario Cereal? Will eating more than one box a week give me cancer when I’m 40?
These and other questions must go unanswered for now. Instead let us stare into the soulless black voids of these Funko Pops’ eyes and as another company tries to cash in on our collective nostalgia for a time before our parents let us used the stove to cook real breakfast.