The Maddening Quest To Get My Animal Crossing Villagers To Move Out

Illustration for article titled The Maddening Quest To Get My Animal Crossing Villagers To Move Out

The town of OVOXO is a quaint, idyllic town. Lots of greenery. Right by the beach. It'd be perfect, except there's one problem: I have two penguin villagers.

...yeah, this is about to get ridiculous, but it's a true story of how I've lost my bearings trying to get two villagers to move out of Animal Crossing: New Leaf.

Now, don't misunderstand me. There's nothing inherently wrong with penguins or anything. It's just that I can't help but look at all the screenshots on Twitter and Tumblr with an immense amount of jealousy as I notice all the awesome villagers other people have. Hippos! Robot frogs! Mummified stuff! Meanwhile, my town seems to have the most vanilla set of animals—lions, bears, squirrels...and not just one penguin, but two penguins. Like it wasn't enough for me to have one boring type of villager, I need to have two.

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Eff. That. Not in my town.

Naturally my first response was to talk to my secretary, Isabelle—you have the option to report "problematic villagers," which is kind of a silly concept when you think about it. The game is so agreeable I can't imagine anyone actually having a legitimate problem with a villager that wasn't self-induced—you get to decide their catchphrases and are the one sending them letters, after all. Still, I used the feature to complain about Sprinkle the penguin first. Maybe I'd get results?

Interestingly, there was no option for "my perfect town does not have two of anything," which I for one think is extremely inconsiderate of Nintendo. So instead I took the next most ridiculous complaint, attire.

You, the mayor—in all your civic glory—can bitch about someone's clothes. Okay, fine. Maybe complaining about it will somehow get Sprinkle to move out.

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Illustration for article titled The Maddening Quest To Get My Animal Crossing Villagers To Move Out
Illustration for article titled The Maddening Quest To Get My Animal Crossing Villagers To Move Out
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Isabelle, you speak my completely unreasonable language.

Illustration for article titled The Maddening Quest To Get My Animal Crossing Villagers To Move Out
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...except the next day, Sprinkle the penguin was still wearing the same clothes. Um. What the heck? Do the whims of your dictator mayor mean nothing around here?? I guess not.

I started lamenting the situation on Twitter, at which point I heard stories about how a friend became cruel to unwanted villagers in his game in an effort to drive them out—notably, he covered their houses in trash.

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Illustration for article titled The Maddening Quest To Get My Animal Crossing Villagers To Move Out

I was told about this about a month ago, and I was struck by how cruel it was. I began to wonder, how cruel could I become in a game that leaves little room for it? You can't even curse in this thing, but I'd heard of people doing stuff like turning their town into a prison by giving everyone a set of orange clothes. Pretty crafty. I then became consumed with doing everything in my power to be cruel to the two penguins in my town in the hopes that they'll stop liking me and then move out. Well, everything outside of actually looking up how to make them move out. Why would I do that? That's boring.

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Here's a few of the things I've tried. Nothing as genius as prison-town, but, y'know.

There's the daily "smack them with my bug net until they get depressed" method. (Subtitle: NO I'M TRYING TO GET YOU TO MOVE OUT AAAAAA).

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Illustration for article titled The Maddening Quest To Get My Animal Crossing Villagers To Move Out

There's the "try to trap them in their own house (and then later wonder how they teleported into another building)" method.

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Illustration for article titled The Maddening Quest To Get My Animal Crossing Villagers To Move Out

There's the "set pitfall traps outside their house" method.

Illustration for article titled The Maddening Quest To Get My Animal Crossing Villagers To Move Out
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Other stuff I've tried but don't have pictures of: sending nasty letters. Refusing to buy them medicine when they get sick, even if that means they're out of commission for like a week straight. Never doing any of the quests the villagers like to send you on. Setting house visiting dates and then standing them up. Less effectively, sometimes I'll swing an axe at them in frustration. I even took to never speaking to them at all—but this was after I'd changed Sprinkle's catchphrase to "I'm moving!" So when I finally caved and talked to Sprinkle again, I temporarily tricked myself into thinking she was moving—I'd forgotten that I changed her catchphrase.

@!!%$%**!@$

Sprinkle and Gwen are still there. In fact, the stupid birds love me. I don't get it. One of them calls me "Hon" and the other calls me "Little-A." Ironically, all the villagers I like and try to please have asked to move. Maybe they're scared of me after all this stuff I've been doing? Sigh.

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Oh, here's the best part. A second lion has moved into my town. Ugh. I guess a mayor's work is never done.

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See, all my town is filled with awesome people. Everyone who started the town is cool, and a bunch of the people who moved in were awesome. I was p. pleased, until one day, Quillson moved in.

Quillson is a dumb duck that sucks and doesn't even know what he wants. I mean, look at him. What theme is he going for in his house? He doesn't know. He just sits there being dumb.

Before I really even had any of this Public Projects stuff down, Quillson moved in. Right up at the top of this epic cliff, which sits at the corner of where the land meets the beach on two sides, and the beach then meets the ocean. It's a grand old spot. The day Quillson starts unpacking? Rosie comes up to tell me, "Hey, want to build me a lighthouse?" Yeah I want to build you a lighthouse, Rosie. You're sweet, and all your ideas are awesome. Oh, and thank you for giving me medicine after I got stung. Let me see, where could I build a lighthouse? Oh, yeah, right over where Quillson is farting up everything.

I want you to know that I love all my residents. They are my townspeople, and I have a duty, as mayor, to care for their individual needs, and see through Skaia's flower-coated vision towards perfection and beauty. But I hate Quillson. As far as I'm concerned, Quillson doesn't belong here. He isn't 'one of us'. He was a mistake, who got by when the Police Station was non-existent (as it currently remains). So, yeah, I shove him in a pitfall er'ry day. Yeah, he has his house coated in garbage- and yes, I send him more garbage in the mail. Yes, his trees are stumps. Yes, I turned his catchphrase into 'I'm pretty', and hit him in the head with my net over and over, and shove him around. When he's out catching bugs or fish? I'm running back and forth, chasing them off.

Somehow my residents didn't get the message. Apparently he and Diana are chill. Somehow, he keeps getting presents from Gladys. I mean, all my other residents already have a shirt like that one, Gladys, but Quillson is infinitely appreciative, EVERY TIME. Of course, Gladys will never know. I can 'never remember' how he responded.

Quillson, always in the shop, trying to buy my overpriced Odd Clock. No, Quillson! That's for people I like. What Quillson? You want to call me Pop Star too? No, that's for friends only. And you are not my friend. I have had Isabelle take away every nice letter, every nice piece of clothing, and every catch phrase he's ever had. But does Quillson want to move?

No. Because Quillson knows how much he makes me hate him. He stays just for me to hate him. He does this, smiling, reminding me how close he feels we are. Every day. Sitting on the cliff, watching the waves and smirking to himself.

I hate Quillson.