If you are over the age of 45 and under 75 and have nothing else going on that would make you more at risk for colon cancer than most people, it is still recommended that you get a colonoscopy every ten years. Colonoscopies are important for identifying early signs of colon cancer, and they may also be recommended for folks who have symptoms that indicate other issues, such as hemorrhoids, ulcerative colitis, Crohn’s disease, and other things you really don’t want. Given this, it’s very likely that every single person reading this will need to have a colonoscopy a few times in their lives.
Unfortunately, colonoscopies suck. I know this from recent, personal experience. The actual process isn’t a big deal at all: yes, it sounds horrible to have a camera stuck up your butt, but they knock you out good for the process and it is unlikely you will notice that anything happened at all. What sucks is the preparation for the procedure. In most cases, preparation involves a few days of a low-fiber diet (fine, whatever), followed by a day of only consuming liquids (annoying), followed by drinking a large glass of the most disgusting liquid you’ve ever put in your mouth (like truly, the worst thing I’ve ever tasted), and then sitting on the toilet for roughly 4-6 hours emptying every last bit of everything out of your bowels. You probably don’t sleep well that night. Then you drink the awful stuff again the next morning, sit on the toilet again (probably for a shorter period of time), and then you go get your colonoscopy.
Let me tell you, it’s miserable! But three things made it semi-bearable. The first: a very nice bidet. You may not have access to one, but if you do, it helps. The second: Crystal Light lemonade powder. I poured that into the gross solution they make you drink. It did not make it taste any better, I am sorry to say. I am not sure anything would. But it did add a new sour/sweet taste that I was able to focus on long enough to get the foul poison down my throat without choking.
The third: video games. Of course.
Being stuck on the toilet for four to six hours is a great excuse to play lots of video games. No one bothers you. Hell, no one wants to bother you, because they know what’s going on in there. No one will ask you to do a chore, or to run an errand. You certainly don’t have to go to work during this process (I hope, anyway). If you have kids, not being able to move from a toilet seat is a great excuse to temporarily pass them off to a partner or other family member (just be sure to return the favor when they have their colonoscopy).
A Steam Deck works fine, though my preference was the lighter-weight Nintendo Switch 2, which conveniently came with a kickstand so I could set it up on a container in front of me and not have to hold it the whole time. As I was playing my Switch 2 during this miserable experience, I began to ponder what sorts of games would be ideal for the specific situation I was in, and I came up with some loose criteria:
- No time limits whatsoever so it’s easy to put down at any moment, or…
- Very short matches/sessions/runs. 1-3 minutes is a great length. I think this is actually better than no time limit, because during colonoscopy prep they want you to drink so much water. Having a built-in break between matches to take several large swigs was helpful.
- No need for communicating with others/headphones/specific controller set-ups/anything beyond just you, a Switch, and a bathroom.
- No need to remember anything complicated for long periods of time, or think about anything difficult like a hard puzzle. Easy to pick up and put down.
- Low-stress. This is not a time for heightened emotions.
- Nice, generally positive vibes, again for the same reasons.
With those in mind, I came up with five games that I think broadly meet those criteria and would be good to play if and when you are stuck on the can preparing for your colonoscopy. Here they are:
Splatoon Raiders
This was the video game I was playing the most during this miserable time. Initially, it was just because I was reviewing it and didn’t want to lose like ten hours of playtime to this horrible process. But as I played, I realized it was really an ideal colonoscopy prep game. I wasn’t playing co-op, so no need to worry about other people. Most maps take about 1-4 minutes to clear, and there’s as much downtime as you want in between to guzzle water or do whatever else you need to do. Also, even when you’re in the middle of a run, most maps are pretty low-pressure. You can finish a wave and pause if you need to. The exception to this is maybe the Dens, but even then, pausing midway through isn’t going to trip you up that much.
Also, the weird Salmonid foghorn noises sometimes sound like farts, which is admittedly a little funny.
Minit
Minit is one of my longtime favorites, but it has only occurred to me recently that it might be useful during colonoscopy prep. It’s an adorable indie about a little dude who finds a cursed sword on a beach. Every 60 seconds, the sword kills him automatically, forcing him to go back to a checkpoint and start over and over. Minit is all about seeing what you can accomplish within those 60 seconds: you might be able to do a very small, easy puzzle that gives you access to an item or ability that you’ll still have on you during your next run. You might gain some new knowledge you can use to travel in a different direction next time. Minit‘s 60-second format is great for this sort of situation, and despite how hasty it seems, the actual gameplay is super low-pressure. You mostly spend a lot of time wandering around and trying stuff. Also, it’s possible to beat Minit in the amount of time you’ll be on the toilet, depending on how fast you play and how long the prep ends up taking.
Music’s great, too.
Balatro
Colonscopy prep is what finally got me to try Balatro. I didn’t play for very long because what I discovered is that this game will really suck you in, and I have too many other things on my plate to get into Balatro. But man, this is just a straight-up good game that sitting in the john for several hours finally gave me an excuse to look in on. It’s an excellent roguelike deckbuilder that I really had to play before I could understand what all the fuss was about. There are no time limits, and while you may feel some pressure to beat trickier boss blinds (especially as you get further into the game), when you’re caught up in the rhythm of Balatro, it’s hard to be upset about anything, especially with that chill soundtrack. Just make sure you actually take a few seconds to drink regularly between blinds and remove your eyes from the screen.
Tomodachi Life: Living the Dream
I had mostly given up on Tomodachi Life: Living the Dream a month or so ago. I just got distracted by other things. But I found Tomodachi Life to be a pretty low-stress way to kill time during this process. It’s easy to get swept away in a loop of checking on Miis that are flagging you down for whatever reason, and if you get bored, you can always make another Mii or two to mess around with. The one downside is that, given your situation, you end up making a lot of toilet jokes when your Miis prompt you. I didn’t regret it in the moment, but the next time I pick up this game and hear everyone in town talking about farts and the importance of a high-fiber diet, I might feel a little silly about it.
Donut County
You’re a big hole, and you consume everything. That’s the game. I don’t know what further context you could possibly need as to why this is appropriate.
Please take good care of yourself, and ask your doctor about when and if you need to be getting a colonoscopy. It is not a fun time at all, but like many other bad times in life, it is much more bearable with video games.
