Next weekend, European Splatoon 2 players will have the chance to weigh in on how toilet paper should be loaded. Front roll or back roll? It’s a question that could only be asked by someone who’s never wiped their ass before.
The event runs from 4:00PM CEST on October 7 to the same time on October 8 and will feature one of the strangest showdowns to-date, upping the ante from Splatfest #2 in Japan which pitted chicken nuggets against french fries. But while that showdown is more or less a matter of taste, front roll vs. back roll is a matter of science. Seth Wheeler, the inventor who patented a toilet paper roll with tear-off sheets, submitted his creation in the following configuration:
The long forgotten images from over a century ago drew attention back in 2015 when the fight over how to properly load toilet paper rolls took over Facebook. Front rollers, obviously outraged over the fact that the correct answer was in dispute, tried to use the original patent to convince back roller heretics. If the paper is loaded in behind, then when it tears you’re shit out of luck. Load it with the roll feeding over the top, however, and you’ll always have a new piece within easy reach (or, if you’re like me, you are way to busy to do anything other than sit the new roll on top of the peg).
The debate ultimately rippled out into other parts of the internet, including the original Splatoon, which came out in the spring of that year. Splatfests got their start in that game, with some of the first few exploiting age old rivalries like cats vs. dogs, rock music vs. pop, and rice vs. bread. You may remember the infamous Splatfest in which the pink starfish Patrick beat out his yellow buddy SpongeBob, proving just how cruel the contests could become.
Players started making fun of the event for “asking the important questions,” leading at least one to jokingly propose front roll vs. back roll as the topic for an upcoming Splatfest. And because Nintendo’s sense of irony knows no bounds, or is otherwise nonexistent, Henry’s prognosticating has turned out to be eerily prescient. Maybe we should have seen it coming though given the series’ early interest in toilets.
Now all that’s left is to see which sick souls actually select team back roll and try to help it along to an unwholesome and seemingly improbably victory.