Fall Guys is the game of the moment. Everyone, including myself, is absolutely enamored with these terrifyingly tall jellybean friends competing to see who can win at this game show battle royale. Games are divided into rounds of mini-games, some of which are definitely more fun than others. One game that is always bad, though, is Slime Climb. Somehow, it’s even worse when it’s the first game in a match.
There’s usually a sort of flow to how Fall Guys matches play out. The first round is usually an obstacle course like Hit Parade or Whirlygig, then a team game (shoutouts to the ever-infuriating Tail Tag), then one of the other survival games, like Roll Out or the nefarious Slime Climb.
Slime Climb is an uphill obstacle course where perilous pink slime slowly eats the course up behind you. If you’re not fast and precise enough—a daunting task given the game’s purposefully wonky physics—you’ll get eliminated. Slime Climb’s obstacles include sliding horizontal platforms that push you to a lower level and into the slime if you’re too slow, Indiana Jones-style giant rolling balls, and spinning hammers that will happily knock your block off. In short, it’s the worst mini game in Fall Guys. Which is why, when I had it as the very first game in a round last night, my will to live crumbled.
I’ve yet to win a game of Fall Guys, but I keep hope alive in my heart every time I initiate the drop into a new show. But when the Slime Climb screen came up first, my heart shattered. Normally, you’re able to work your way up to Slime Climb; you get a few warm-up rounds before you have to deal with the world’s worst obstacle course. But no, Fall Guys looked me dead in the eye and said “get gud, loser.”
Reader, I did not get gud. Though I was in a pit of despair upon realizing I’d have to take on my least favorite game out the gate, I vowed I would *anime voice* do my best. Making it past the first set of sliding platforms was alright, and I even managed to skirt the giant balls, though I took some hits in the process. But the second set of moving platforms has consistently been my demise, and this time was no different. After playing with a friend recently, I thought I had learned a new strat to get by them: In theory, you can stagger the timing of your crossing to avoid being knocked off the level. But it’s trickier than it looks and I have far from mastered it, especially so early in a match. Taking what I would consider to be the most difficult mini game on first was...disheartening to say the least.
Still, I tried. My effort was met with disappointment. I made it to the last platform, only to be pushed to my death at the very last second as my little stubby pigeon leg was caught by the platform’s edge and I went tumbling. Despite still giving it my best in the face of impossible odds, I slid into the great pink maw and watched my dreams of grabbing that first elusive crown dissolve away yet again.
I stand before you today, still empty handed. Has this turn of events broken my will to live? Yes. But it’s also filled me with a Zuko-like quest to regain the honor I feel I’ve lost.