Nintendo has gone too far. They must be stopped. This cannot stand.
Those of you who have been following developments around Mario Maker probably already know all about the “Weird Mushroom,” a special power-up that gives Mario all of the trademark abilities that normally define Luigi. With it, Mario can jump higher—something to which I have no objection. What freaks me out, though, is the following:
This is not right. This is a crime against humanity. I feel it is my duty as a human being to express my extreme displeasure with Skinny Mario, especially now that Mario Maker is out and everyone will become exposed to this new Nintendo horror.
Mario must be chubby. That is who he has always been; the chubbiness is a part of his charm, a key part of his excellence. It’s part of why his movement repertoire is so awesome. Mario would not have become the icon that he is today without the extra pixels on Jumpman that gave shape to his belly. Presumably, this is why Mario has retained this particular aspect of his design across the years, even while other aspects of his model morphed and changed.
It says everything that the Luigi mushroom—and Skinny Mario’s subsequent appearance—was the result of a bug. An irregularity. Something which should not exist under normal circumstances. He was supposed to turn into a bigger Mario when he ate the mushroom, like he always does. Instead, that diabolical glitch mushroom turned him into the monster that is Skinny Mario. He looks like a Mario that’s been resized poorly in Photoshop, for crying out loud. He might as well be the Mario version of Slenderman.
I understand that Mario Maker must provide new experiences for players, and that it remixes existing Mario elements to achieve that. But Nintendo, can’t you see how much the Weird Mushroom rips apart the very fabric of the Mario universe? If Skinny Mario is a thing, then we must contemplate the possibility that Luigi is not who we think he is, either. We must acknowledge the possibility that the Luigi that we know and love very well might be perpetually eating Luigi mushrooms, perhaps to acquiesce to harmful beauty standards set by the Mushroom Kingdom.
I don’t think I am alone in my aversion to Skinny Mario. Here are a collection of reactions I’ve seen to Skinny Mario from friends and family:
“oh my god”
“skinny mario is fucked up”
“terrifying”
“what the fuck”
“I HATE THIS”
“I’m scared”
Please, dear reader, if you feel the same way about Skinny Mario, contact your local congressman.* This might be futile—we live in a world where Cookie Monster must say that cookies are a “sometimes” food—but we must do what we can to rectify this, for our fellow gamers around the world.
*Do not actually do this.