You know where you’re going wrong? After a long day indiscriminately firing your Beretta 1301 in the desert, you’re home chugging back your InfoWars Ultimate Bone Broth Plus, when you discover you’re all out of SSI Sight-Rite chamber cartridge laser bore sights. So you jump into your SUV to head to the nearest Dick’s Sporting Goods, right? Only, in that SUV? Is it bulletproof? Does it fire pepper spray out the wing mirrors? Does it even come with gas masks? No I don’t think it does. Which is why you want to get yourself a Rezvani Vengeance, designed by video game vehicle artist, Milen Ivanov.
That the Rezvani Vengeance is real, and not some upsetting wet dream Elon Musk had after binge-watching Batman movies, is an indictment on all of humankind. This laughably silly vehicle, yours starting at $285,000, is made to order, and thanks to bizarre TikTok influencer videos, a demonstrably extant creation.
Based on the Cadillac Escalade, your standard model comes with all the features you’d expect in your bog-standard quarter-million dollar car. Stuff like heated seats, OLED digital dashboard, digital rearview mirror, and augmented reality navigation. But it’s when you start tweaking that this suburban tank really starts to get special.
Designing my own on the Rezvani website, I of course started by switching to a camo skin paint job for a mere $7,500 on top. Sure, you could pick up an entire second-hand car for the price of that paint, but do you want to be easily spotted by enemies when driving through the woods? I then tacked on some pretty obvious necessities, like a 12,000lb winch and a roof-mounted LED light bar.
On the interior I bumped it up from seven to eight seats for another $1,500, in case my whole book club needed a ride. Then, because I deserve a treat, I added in Executive Seating. This sees two of the seats become reclining executive seats, with massage, heat and ventilation, along with an interior bar, big-screen TV, Apple TV, some iPads, and a lovely starry night headliner, mine for $125,000 on top of the base price. That done, I of course had the headrests embroidered for $1,500.
I’m not an engine expert, but I figured the 810 HP Supercharged 6.2L V8 would be much better at showing those climate conspiracists a thing or two, rather than the 420 HP version it defaults to. I also worried that without the Cat-Back Performance Exhaust System and performance brakes, I’d look like a real sissy, so I stuck those on too. That bumped the price up a little, popping just over $135,000 onto the ticket.
Of course, the reason I was buying this car in the first place was the Military Package, so I wasn’t going to be leaving that off! For another $125,000, that put on the vital bulletproof glass and body armor, underside explosion protection, electrified door handles, strobe lights, pepper spray dispensers, thermal night vision system and, of course, the optional explosive device detection and smoke screen button. Oh, and the seven bulletproof vests and helmets that I’m pretty sure are standard in most cars these days.
I was surprised to learn I had to pay extra for a Rifle Compartment, but for $4,500 I wasn’t too annoyed, and naturally opted for the $1,000 steel safe built into the center console—somewhere to keep those dog-tags I bought off eBay and my signed Billy Ray Cyrus cassettes. A couple of rear seat entertainment systems for the kiddies might seem overkill with the executive seat package, but if you ain’t overkilling, you ain’t American in my book.
However, I took enormous offense at the suggestion of “off-grid” solar panels. Sure, Biden might be about to steal my gas oven and shut down my backyard coal power station, but I’ll be damned before I’m using any of that Liberal sun-power. $2,500 saved, thank you.
All told, that comes to just $699,750, which is a small price to pay for peace of mind.
Er, um, wow. It’s quite the thing to put yourself into the mindset of someone taking this embarrassing nonsense seriously. Clearly playing to the ever-growing market of paranoid Americans from preppers to QAnons, it seems the crossover with people able to spend over a quarter-million bucks on a car can’t possibly be enormous.
Rezvani Motors, if you are lucky enough not to know, is the brainchild of Ferris Rezvani, the son of an Iranian fighter pilot, who wanted to “develop a thrill similar to flying an F-4 fighter jet,” but, um, on the ground. The company has been catering to over-rich idiots since 2015, most famously with the since-discontinued Ferrari-like Beast. (Although it’s rebooting this year.)
Quite what the hell the Vengeance’s daft boxy design has to do with video games, unless they were aiming for a late-80s look, is unclear. Bulgarian concept artist Milen Ivanov has previously worked on mobile game Ace Racer and Netflix’s Fast & Furious Spy Racers, but doesn’t have an enormous pedigree in the industry. We’ve reached out to him to ask about his involvement in the Vengeance’s design, and his thoughts on the military-grade final product, and will definitely update should he get back to us. (Despite the Vengeance being out since last year, Ivanov hasn’t been excited enough to add it to his résumé.)
Oh, and if the Vengeance doesn’t look like a solid enough vehicle for getting your kids to school, don’t forget you could always grab yourself the Rezvani Tank.