When I asked for your worst (but really best) stories about trolls, I didn’t expect so many stories from trolls. But here we have it: 23 hand-picked stories from your amusing trolling and being-trolled experiences. Suffice it to say that I’ve decided to unplug from the Internet now.
Submissions have been edited lightly for clarity.
Note: This piece originally ran on April 21 of this year. Bumping it up for your entertainment and also mostly because Tara’s GIF is so great.
Not Even A Natural Disaster Is Enough To Deter This One
The worst encounter I’ve ever had with a troll was just after Hurricane Katrina. I’m a New Orleans native and when I returned home 8 months after the hurricane, I had been living in Huntsville Alabama, a friend and I we’re playing Project Gotham Racing on the 360. Now I very rarely ever play games online because of the fact that people know anonymity gives you a free pass on common human decency and respect. But the friend that I was playing with goaded me in to running a few races online.
While racing and winning (I am quite good at racing games in general) I got into what seemed like a normal conversation with one of my opponents. Our conversation had led to where we lived. I told him that I lived in New Orleans, and he immediately came in with some of the most hateful, ignorant and racist speak I’ve ever had directed toward me. The one big thing that finally got me to leave the game was when he said “Yea, I’ve seen those stupid dead drowned niggers in the street on tv. Was that your family? I hope it was your dad you fucking nigger bitch.”
Now, I’m a white guy and a painfully obvious one at that. So this guy was the very definition of a troll. Losing at a racing game was so fucking important to him that he decided to be as hateful as humanly possible toward a complete stranger. If I only somewhat avoided online games up until that point, I now never play online unless its with people I personally know. Not that this guy struck any personal blows to me. It just sickens me to know that there are people like that in the same world that I live in and I will do my best to avoid that special kind of stupidity as best I can. If we want the hobby that we all love and cherish to thrive in legitimacy then this sort of behavior has got to stop. I’ve commented before about trolls on Kotaku, and like I’ve said before, they are video games. GAMES! No one should be made to feel like less of a human being while just trying to enjoy their favorite form of entertainment.
I would love to be able to say that gamers are among the most wonderful people on earth. Most of the gamers that I know completely stand up to that. But it’s that 1% of complete garbage human being that are unfortunately the loudest and most visible. Just know that if you are a gamer who is civil, enjoys their time with games, and tries their best to help others enjoy it as well, you have my complete respect and admiration. But if you’re a person that lives to make others miserable just for the lolz, I implore you to find a new fucking hobby.
The Troll With Nothing Better To Do, Apparently
Geez, I could fill up what is likely all the comment space below with my own tales. I’ve been managing my own YT channel for almost two years now, and as you can imagine, if women already receive the worst that trolling has to offer, having a channel on top of that is just asking for trouble (well, it shouldn’t be, but apparently it is).
The worst one, though, was an individual who decided that he hated my gaming content, and he hated me, so much that he constantly plagued me on YT, and on Twitter. Even after banning him, he’d just make new accounts and come back. He and his group of friends (most of whom I never even talked to) constantly downvoted all my videos, created harassing Twitter accounts (including “(my GT)isaWhore”), and crashed one of my Twitch streams. Finally, I wrote up an entry on my blog about this guy, after he wrote a manifesto about how horrible the ACmp community is (half of which was devoted to me, and another half devoted to other female gamers he hates). Ubisoft banned him on their forums after that, and while the harassment died down, he still tweets be every couple weeks or so (I only know because other people comment, tagging me, which bring my attention to the comments, whether I wanted it to or not).
People Who Like To Spoil Things Are The Worst
This is technically also a troll, so I hope it counts:
I had BioShock: Infinite pre-ordered for PC, but since my laptop is sometimes iffy about running games (thank you, Optimus tech) I wanted to try it out first. The game was leaked a few days early so I thought of torrenting it, so I could try it out and see if it actually works instead of buying an expensive coaster with my very limited funds. I find a good torrent, reputable with lots of seeds, and I check the comments to see if it’s legit.
“Hey guys, [spoiler of the entire story in this space]. Fuck you pirates! lmao”
Right. Cancelled my pre-order because I’m really bad at handling spoilers (story + experience is key for me), spent the money on another game. I was heartbroken, honestly. I eventually bought Infinite in a Steam sale but I just couldn’t get through it, that comment post just stuck in my head and ruined the entire experience for me.
Ironically, an anti-pirate post lost a legitimate customer in me. Good job, dick.
The Holocaust Denier
(via Straw Hat)
Out of all the trolls I’ve encountered, the one that stands out was some guy, I think he was raging about how all video games nowadays suck. Anyway after discussing with the guy long enough he said something along the lines of “People just can’t accept the truth. It’s like when I was kicked out of my University job, they refused to accept that the Holocaust wasn’t real.”
This Is Why We Have A Flagging System Now
On this site actually. I told a story about when I was a kid I could never tell the color of the battery light on my Gameboy because I’m red/green color blind, and this guy latched onto the fact that I said Gameboy instead of GBA, which is when the colored lights were introduced and is what I actually meant. He tried calling me a liar and created an entire thread based on that simple mispronunciation and commented on other articles about me being a liar. It was insane.
(via Crazy Tom)
[Image thanks to The Masters of Unlocking]
When Trolling Gets Personal
A friend I went to school with for years. We’d known each other about half our lives at the point it got weird. We disagreed politically on Facebook, and he started following every conversation I made everywhere (on any topic, even things like household cleaners) so he could troll every single conversation. When I blocked him, within a day he duplicated my account and started going to pages under my name saying really creepy things as me. Facebook actually shut down the duplicate account really quickly, but he’s that all too common guy in his mid 30s living in his mom’s basement (no kidding, he is that stereotype exactly) that made me worry about where he would escalate it next.
I started getting strange emails from addresses I didn’t recognize and even phone calls from numbers I didn’t know. Friends and family were contacting me about odd or vaguely threatening messages I never sent them online. All on the same day
He never behaved like this in person in the years I knew him, but his behavior got scary really quickly. He has never held a full time job so the free time he had to devote to it meant I was overwhelmed quickly. I ended up apologizing to him to end it amicably. He seemed OK with the apology and all weirdness with Facebook and messages to friends and families stopped almost immediately.
We don’t talk anymore. At all.
The Elusive Entertaining Troll
Ah, I just remembered another great one. It isn’t mine, but I remember it from an old EGM letters column. Somebody wrote in to say that they had hooked up their Xbox mic to their stereo so they could play music over voice chat in Halo 2. They would play the entire match with the Vengaboys’ “We Like to Party” playing over the mic.
Now, look: that’s annoying and silly, but what you have to remember is that Halo 2 had proximity chat. This meant that normally only your team could hear you talking but members of the opposing team would hear you more and more as you got closer to them. The idea of somebody rushing up to you in Halo 2 as “We Like to Party” gets louder and louder is still completely hilarious.
Leading Players To Their Deaths
World of Warcraft: Siege of Orgrimmar raid. The 5th boss is a bit of a trash-gauntlet taking place on the coast of Durotar. I make a comment to my raid that if you ride past where said boss usually spawns to where the 6th boss is, you can see him fighting Vol’jin and Baine.
Attempting to approach the second boss before the 5th boss goes down results in snipers (yes, snipers) oneshotting you. They were not impressed when they learned of my little lie.
We used to do a similar thing in molten core (Read: Golemagg’s window) where there was a rune made of lava etched into the wall behind where Golemagg is chilling, and after he dies, we’d tell newbies that if you looked through said window, you could see ragnaros after a couple of seconds. Naturally they’d run up to it, stare through the window, and then die to lava and not paying attention to their health.
The Player That Wants To Take Down League Of Legends
I have created my own sub-culture of LoL trolling. TBH I have 16 accounts and plan to ad 1-2 every other week with the sole purpose of trolling at all levels. I have about a dozen other ‘recruits’ who are in-line with my revolution.
Riot’s policies on banning (chat or account) is so ridiculously arbitrary, unfair and counter productive that I have made it my mission to eliminate LoL playing at it’s heart.. new players.
For the same ‘violation’ you can recieve a 5 game chat restriction, a 75 game chat restriction, or a 650 game chat restriction. For the same 1-time violation. Oh and permanent account ban for SAME. Yes, This is indeed exactly what happened and why I am going to have so much fun in the next few months. So fkn arbitrary. No rubric. Just pure luck of getting someone on a certain day reviewing your ‘violation’ WHICH is entirety insane on its own because if players are so offended by words on the internet they can FIRST turn chat censoring ON. Then as a second layer of protection for the weak minded they can MUTE the player all together. The fact that they will PERMABAN you for WORDS when they have a DOUBLE LAYER of protection is the heart of my mission.
I come from EvE Online and we fkn invented internet tear harvesting and trolling. I find LoL player tears and fears much more entertaining than winning (which itself is a fkn lottery of getting stuck with shit, decent, good players).
There will be an official manifesto that the world can see and join in the coming weeks.
Be afraid Riot and LoL players. Be afraid. A strom of Troll is coming and you will be like Indonesia in Dec. 2004. INUNDATED.
That’s Not What The Pause Button Is For
Playing sports games online is already usually a nightmare but back in the early days of Sony’s MLB: The Show, online opponents used to be able to pause the game at any time without any sort of limit. So people would pitch strikes and then rapid fire pause the game as the pitch was coming in to throw off your timing (it would be like a slideshow), if they hit the ball and you were moving a player into position to catch it, they’d rapid fire pause etc. Or if you played a semi legit game and got yourself a lead, the person on the other end would just pause the game and walk away from the controller. If you disconnected or quit the game, that person would get the win. Even 2 hours later. I’m old enough now not to care about wins/losses too much (and they’ve since fixed this) but damn if that wasn’t infuriating.
The Sore Loser
The one that will always stand out to me stems from a Gears of War 2 match a few years back.
My brothers and I loved playing Guardian mode, which if you don’t know what that is it involves two teams who continuously respawn until they kill the other team’s leader, at which point they can be picked off and the round is over. It’s a lot of fun, but it can lead to some heated matches.
Anyway, during this one match my team and the opposing team are each tied, with one round to go. My youngest brother gets selected as leader, and my other brother spends the match trying to defend him while I run out with the rest of the squad to try and take out out the enemy team. Except, we get our asses kicked repeatedly, and soon enough both my brothers are killed. With no leader, it’s not long before everyone else gets picked off and I’m the last guy left.
But then something great happens. I kill the enemy leader, then rush around the map (Blood Drive, one of my favorites) taking out the other enemies. Somehow, we win and both teams are shocked. Most of us actually formed a party and played a few more matches, and I made a few great friends. Except for one guy.
He spent the rest of the day spamming my inbox with voice and text messages, telling me I was a “cheating faggot”, that since he was hosting the game he should have beaten me, and that he was reporting me for cheating. After all, his host powers weren’t enough to kill me, he reasoned, so he had all the proof he needed. The one time I responded he said that he just knew I was a white guy (he was black), and that it was people like me who couldn’t even let him enjoy video games. He raved about how I had stolen his moment, that I was just another white supremacist trying to keep him down.
The Natural-Born Troll
My friend’s cat. He knocks over everyone’s cups all the time and he knows he’s doing it.
He Really Was Adopted, Though...
Was playing Battlefield with a friend back in the day and he kept shooting our team. A guy asks “what are you, colorblind? Fuckin idiot”
He was not amused when my friend confirmed this was true and why he was having trouble
He returned with “your parents don’t love you”
My friend again confirmed this to be true, to which his new internet friend replied “you’re adopted”
He went three for three, all were true and the troll just stopped talking. That was fun to me :)
Super Mario Bros., AKA The Friendship Killer
Most of the time, I’m not a troll. I’m a good man. I promise. It’s just... sometimes during co-op games, I just get this intense urge to grief everyone.
For example, while playing Super Mario Bros. Wii I went about throwing people into lava. Actively attempting to throw them off the screen or down pits... purposefully blocking them so that they couldn’t make the jump. I found it hilarious. Heck, even when NOT trying to actively hunt down my friend and family, the game design made it so that we were all trolling each other at one point or another: jumping in the way of someone, grabbing their item, causing the death of a friend, etc. We decided to ultimately not play the game for it was “the friendship destroyer”.
And during Halo? I don’t know why, but I was a monster. I’d play CTF and guard one of my teammates as he made his way back to capture the flag and score a point. But what would I do? At the very last second, I would almost always shotgun them in the back of the head, grab the flag myself, and score the point. This lasted for maybe 2 or 3 games with my friends before they made a rule to never play with friendly fire on when I was in the game. Of course, I DID have the most flag captures, at least.
Fighting Trolling With Trolling
The worst troll I remember wasn’t on a game but on a newsgroup devoted to Sega games/consoles, back in the late 90s-early 2000s. He used to harass people, insult them using vulgar language and particularly insult the group for using any console that wasn’t made by Sony.
Eventually he got butthurt after some members of the group (including myself) started unloading on him in the same fashion, and left. Not something I’m particularly proud of, but it did work. Probably wouldn’t work nowadays though, and at my age I won’t go down that path again.
Mine would have to be Mass Effect 3. 4 person group doing the box of shame (for those who don’t know it is an area on one level where people can huddle up with infinite ammo and win easily. Bioware never patched it out and it is the most relaible way to farm gear.) and one guy starts boxing me in. Like preventing me from moving when we had objectives that took us outside the box. He was ensuring that we were 2 people down just to screw with me. Why? Well when I asked him he said it was because I was stealing his kills.
I was playing a volus. For the uninitaited, the volus are medics. The only viable volus build is one where you replenish the party’s shields. They are not at all effective in combat, and can’t carry any of the good weapons without increaisng their cooldown time for their healing powers.
The guy screwed over the team’s medic because I was scoring higher than him. In a co op game. WHERE SCORE IS MEANINGLESS.
Surprise! Racist Troll Doesn’t Understand Racism
(via Veras Gunn)
I used to be a regular in the video game section on this message board community, and occasionally there was this guy who would make an account to come in and post youtube videos and pictures about how asian cosplayers are so much cuter and better than ugly american cosplayers, then proceed to generally be a racist asshole by saying that it was alright because white people are MORE racist and have done horrible things. Can’t remember his name, or his youtube account for the life of me.
Never Discuss Politics In Call of Duty
Playing CoD4, I made the mistake of questioning a fellow player’s enthusiasm regarding John McCain being a war hero and therefore would make a great president. I regretted this immediately. What made it unfortunate was the rest of the people I was playing with, while strangers, were great team mates and it was one of the few times I have experienced teamwork playing a multiplayer game with strangers. I had to leave after 3 games because the other player just followed me around and knifed me. This is one of the major reasons why I am reluctant to talk on the mic anymore.
“We Share Lives, Idiot!”
Probably not my worst, but definitely my most memorable.
LittleBigPlanet: 4 player with friends in the same room. One of them learned how to slap other players before the rest. Swung across a fiery pit, then just stood at the ledge and slapped everyone into the lava as they swung across. “We share lives, idiot!” they yelled, he laughed maniacally. Friends stopped coming over to play when he was around.
That last sentence makes me sound like I was a kid. We were in college, most of us lived together.
Secret Alliances AKA Backstabbing Your Teammate
Years and years ago in the original Starcraft/BroodWar days, my friends and I would take turns in 2v2 matches with other random players. We would always say something like ‘I am new to this and really good at defense - but not so much offense. Let me build up a defense in your base and you can focus on building units while I handle defense’. When someone would go for this, we’d place cannons EVERYWHERE , sometimes extending 1/2 way across the map. When the battle was in the final minute and our team was victorious, we’d un-ally and obliterate our team member’s entire base in about 20 seconds with all the cannons.
Total dick move. Haven’t done it in near 15 years, but looking back it makes me laugh. I apologize to any of you that this happened to.
Never Steal Another Man’s Kill
I’m a Gold ranked LoL player and the biggest troll I ever encountered happened in Season 4. I was playing Amumu jungle and I thought our Syndra mid was going to help me kill the camp for a quicker start. What actually happened was the trolliest sequence of events you can imagine. She used her ability to pick up neutral monsters and proceeded to fling my blue buff across the map. After realizing I could never kill the camp I moved on to try and salvage the game but to no avail. Whatever jungle camp I tried to clear she would take the main monster and fling it as far as she could across the map. Needless to say we lost.
Video for reference:
The Infamous Minion 9000
A few years ago when Banjo Kazooie Nuts and Bolts was still quite new a few of my friends decided to boost the multiplayer achievements.
Basically for the game the person who needs to win plays normally and everyone else just screws with the other players. Things were going well for a few games with me getting easy wins and then we ran into a player named Minion 9000.
He figured out what we were doing and started whipping out his griefing vehicles.
The most memorable one was during an egg and spoon race, my friends would play keep away with the other player’s eggs while I drove mine to the goal was the plan.
Minion pulled out a vehicle for the race that looked like a giant cage and sucked my entire car and egg inside of it.
I hopped out of the car and tried to use banjo’s magic wrench to pull my car out of his contraption. As soon as I got out of my car he hit the suction button again and pulled me into his car and up into a small prison he built on top on the thing and closed a trap door.
For the next ten minutes I was trapped in there while he set me on fire and sent me taunting xbox live messages.
I quit playing that game for quite a few months and when we finally went back to it to clear up the few achievements I had left we ran into a group of players that had their own tales of horror dealing with Minion 9000.
GIF by Tara Jacoby