Britain’s most famous lover of the Nintendo Wii, and also its longest-reigning monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, has died at the age of 96. Her family flew in to say their goodbyes before she passed, and, perhaps, to reminisce about her enthusiasm for Wii Sports Bowling.
That’s not even a joke. Well, maybe. Back in 2008, British newspaper The People claimed that Elizabeth II: Geriatric Boogaloo was so completely enamored with her grandson’s Wii that she “begged to join in” on the fun.
As a human who happened to fall out of another human in the same country as Her Maj, I am—whether I like it or not—one of ol’ Queenie’s subjects. As such, I am overtly qualified to not only bring you the sad news of her demise, but also the one chosen by our editor to desperately crowbar in a gaming connection so we can slice out our piece of the SEO pie.
It was reported at the time that then-girlfriend of Prince William, Kate Middleton, had given her beaux a Wii as a Christmas pressie. The couple were playing Wii Bowling, and Brenda (as UK institution Private Eye magazine has always called Queen Liz) wanted in. “HOOKED,” The People claimed she became, quoting “a Palace source” as saying, “When she saw William playing a game after lunch at Sandringham she thought the Nintendo looked tremendous fun and begged to join in.”
Now, I trust The People as much as as I would a wolf babysitter, so this could be entirely derived from their own imaginations. But the account continues, “It was hilarious. William was in fits of laughter. He was enormously impressed at having such a cool gran.” Yes, that’s right, all 26-year-olds say things like “cool gran.”
The Queen, a spritely 81 at the time this was made up reported, was said to have “hand-eye co-ordination as good as somebody half her age.” Well, I’m just over half that age, and mine is already going up the spout. And just in case this hasn’t already been awful enough to have recounted to you, the idiotic article concludes, “She showed all the signs of becoming a Nintendo addict.” If you have suffered from Nintendo addiction, please call the number on the bottom of your screen.
But I want to believe it’s true. The British Royal Family (I have no idea if those capitals are right—it’s just safest to assume everything is with that lot) is the most bizarre, anachronistic institution, a remnant of centuries of brutal international oppression, now reduced to profitable tourist attraction. People appear to be fervently in favor of or against it, but I tend to find I don’t have the energy to care either way. But it remains nice to imagine that, inside their castles made of gold, there might be those glimmers of humanity that mean Wii Bowling would reduce them to a tangible, sympathetic family.
Of course, this then got spoiled by a THQ stunt, where they tried to seek attention by attempting to give the Queen a gold-plated Wii. (Miss you, Fahey.) Earlier this year we reported it was up for sale, with it finally changing hands for a total of $36,000. (Somewhat less than the $300,000 the owner had tried to get for it the year before.)