Put Chemical Plant Zone In The Sonic Movie Sequel You Cowards

Sonic The Hedgehog, possibly the only good motion picture that will come out of 2020, is getting a sequel. While I have every confidence the sequel will be just as sneakily good as its predecessor, I have one… no, two! suggestions on how Paramount Pictures can ensure a smash-hit follow-up.

Suggestion Number 1: Make Miles “Tails” Prower the star of the film, you bastards, and if you don’t give him a red biplane I will burn this bitch to the ground. (Bonus points, and fewer arson threats, awarded for a Knuckles cameo!) Tails is a significant part of Sonic lore. (This sentence makes me want to shove my own ass into a locker but it’s true.) His capacity for self-propelled flight makes him a more capable character than Sonic. He’s also a genius inventor, and we stan a polymath king. Given that his first appearance was in Sonic the Hedgehog 2 the game, it’s only natural that he’d be in Sonic the Hedgehog 2 the movie. I want—meaning, I demand—to see him fly, spin, and wiggle his cute little tails as he stands idly waiting for the plot to advance.

Suggestion Number 2, aka the Important One: There must be an extended sequence inside an industrial production area—a “chemical plant zone” if you will—where flipping platforms dump our heroes into pools of inspecific purple liquid and—completely inexplicably—a stunning Hollywood orchestration of the infamous “drowning music” starts to play. The first Sonic movie got away with the “Green Hills, Montana” gag but that will not be enough for Sonic 2. I’m talking about one of the most iconic levels in Sonic…nay video game history. Surely that merits inclusion into the film canon. Besides, I already suffered through one movie with far too few loop-de-loops and spiked rotating platforms, I will not stand to be so slighted a second time.

I’m a simple creature Paramount, I don’t think I’m asking for much here. Follow these two important steps and you will guarantee that Sonic The Hedgehog The Movie 2 enters the pantheon of “Video Game Movies That Actually Don’t Suck” joining the hallowed company of both Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider films, The Rock’s performance in the otherwise miserable Doom, and Lego Batman The Movie

The blue streak speeds into theaters April 8, 2022. Given the way things are going, what “theaters” will mean at that future date is unclear.