PowerWash Simulator Is Why I Shouldn't Be A Homeowner

People are gonna draw so many dicks with this thing. Just, a preponderance of penis.
Gif: FuturLab

Humans are fucked up, anxiety-ridden apes and there is absolutely no telling what causes our brains to light up with feel good juice. But one thing that does it for me is a good pressure washer video. Since being a millennial means I will likely never own a home, the magic of using a pressure washer will forever be beyond my reach. But thanks to the genius developers at FuturLab, PowerWash Simulator will finally let me live the dream of blasting grime off a filthy driveway.


There’s a simulator game for damn near everything nowadays. You can simulate driving a truck or running a farm, or if your tastes are a little out there, you can be a goat or even a helpless old granny. PowerWash Simulator lets you simulate using a pressure washer and is for the hopeless weirdos like me who spend their free time mesmerized by YouTube videos of home improvement warriors blasting years of gross off their back porch and tiled driveways. The premise is very simple: In the demo, you’ve just started out and you’re eager for clients. Select one of the two jobs from your phone, then show up, pressure washer in hand, and get to work cleaning grime off various surfaces.

This is the big daddy of pressure washers.
This is the big daddy of pressure washers.
Screenshot: FuturLab

Your ability to scour dirt is impacted by the type of nozzle you use and how far away you are from the surface. Stand too far away and only a little bit of dirt will come off; get too close and you run the risk of damaging property, which will knock dollars off your take-home pay. There are four different nozzles to use with your pressure washer: There’s a regular circular nozzle for wide surfaces, a flat nozzle like what you’d see in the average pressure washer video, and even a smaller nozzle for detail jobs like grout cleaning. I love the variety and how each nozzle is suited for a particular cleaning task.

PowerWash Simulator’s physics engine is decent. There are all kinds of not-filthy items in the environment you can push around with your power washer for funsies. I giggled like a possessed child when I pointed my grout nozzle at a garden gnome and sent him flying with a mouse click. There’s a playground job, and you can turn tic-tac-toe tiles with your pressure washer. I was a bit bummed that I couldn’t use the pressure washer to do more damage than a cracked window. Power washers are the closest thing to a frickin’ laser beam a regular, non-mad scientist could ever get their hands on. If I point it point blank at some glass, it should shatter.

It’s the little things that bring joy really.
Gif: FuturLab

Playing the PowerWash Simulator demo activated that part of my brain that craves order. I loved methodically going up and down the side of a house blasting away dirt. This game will also trigger one’s baser instincts. Expect to see people drawing hella dicks on every available surface.





I mowed a penis into my clover lawn this morning...so, ya know, it’s not like homeowners become mature people by virtue of owning a home

God I hate having a lawn...