People are fun to be around. People are also disgusting โ€” it's not mean, it's true. There's more chance of catching a disease from a human bite than most sewer-dwelling animals, and when upwards of 100,000 of them are gathered in one place, biting is optional. Clean yourselves, PAX attendees!

I've been to PAX twice now, once in Seattle and again in Boston for PAX East. It was a good time. The week of vomiting, fever and diarrhea that followed each trip was not. You might be thinking to yourself, "Well Mike, obviously you need to stop licking people instead of shaking their hands." Not only did I avoid licking people, I made everyone I came into contact with run a lighter over their exposed skin before approaching.

It did not help. I could not escape the PAX Pox, AKA Con Crud. AKA Steve Buscemi (probably not that last one).

"Well I just won't touch anyone!" Mmmhmm, and when that sexy thing in the Princess Peach costume comes on to you, you'll be putty in his filthy hands.


It's not just the people. PAX is a gaming convention, which means touching controllers, keyboards, mice, and the open air in front of a Kinect that have all been touched by several hundred people before you. If you look closely, you can see the bacteria having their own little PAX on every available surface.

This is the sort of event hand sanitzer was made for. There may be stations around the convention center, but other people are touching those.


I prefer Purell with "Refreshing Aloe." It's much better than Purell with "Vaguely Irritating Aloe." Meijer sells 12 bottles for $22. That should be enough for Friday. Then print out the helpful sign I've created and plaster it all over the convention center. Look, here it is again.


If you can't find hand sanitizer in your area, there's something seriously wrong with your finding skills. In a pinch, hit up a hospital. They've got this stuff sitting around everywhere. I think it's free for the taking. They're doctors, they'll understand.


If not hand sanitizer, buy yourself a bottle of Lysol, or maybe a giant hamster wheel. Anything to keep you away from the 400 bajillion sickness-causing bacteria attending PAX Prime this weekend (without even paying, jerks.)

Or just throw caution to the wind and run around rubbing against people like a kitty. Lick their faces. Hang out in the bathroom and offer to help. If you're going to be deathly ill, you might as well have fun first.