Heavy Rain remastered is out for the PS4 this month, and boy, some aspects of the game have not aged well.
Back when Heavy Rain came out in 2010, it marketed itself as a video game for adults. So, there was nudity. And sex. Now that it is 2016, however, everything about this sex scene looks hilariously awful. And I say this as someone who actually likes Heavy Rain for the most part.
Let’s take a closer look at Heavy Rain’s sex scene, shall we? First, some background. The moment unfolds after one of the protagonists, Ethan, has undergone a full-on Saw-like scenario. He was forced to cut off his own finger. He was forced to kill another man. In short, Ethan is feeling like dogshit doing unspeakable things, all in the name of finding his missing son, Shaun. (SHAAAAAAAAUN.)
Madison Page, a reporter who gets caught up in the case surrounding Shaun’s kidnapping, tries to comfort Ethan. Ethan’s not having it, though:
OR IS HE? This is where Ethan and Madison seem to forget about all the horrible demoralizing stuff that just happened, and start engaging in one of the most awkward sex scenes in a video game, ever.
Madison leans in closer for a kiss...only to have the game pull her head back again, so that you can actually make the choice.
I love Ethan’s expression here, too. I like to imagine it’s because Madison’s mouth reminded him of a fish he saw at market the other day.
But, OK. Let’s say, even though it makes absolutely no sense in the context of the traumatic story, the player chooses “KISS” anyway. You know, out of morbid curiosity. Well, that’s when you learn that actually, Ethan and Madison don’t really know how a kiss is supposed to work. Like, at all.
It’s like watching a kid mash Ken and Barbie together. For a split second, you can even make out Ethan’s confusion, as he wonders why their mouths just can’t seem to connect. The struggle is real.
And that’s when the horrible kissing sounds start. You can listen to it first-hand, courtesy of this video by Shirrako.
If you look closely, it almost seems as if the two models are intersecting in ways they shouldn’t.
At this point, things start intensifying. Ethan appears to zip Madison up, but somehow this actually helps him take her coat off:
Note the three different button prompts to nail that zipper. How many buttons would it take to undo a bra, you think?
Suddenly, Ethan’s mauled finger. Remember Ethan’s mauled finger? No, don’t dwell on that. It might ruin the moment you’re having.
Ethan’s shirt comes off. The bad kissing continues, because it must.
Madison can barely contain her ecstasy. Luckily, Ethan is there to set her head on straight.
Ethan and Madison then decide to make out on the floor, because as we all know, nothing is sexier than a motel floor. Mmm.
Really, it makes sense that they didn’t bang on the bed. How else was David Cage going to tastefully cover the naked bodies?
It’s funny. Back in 2010, when the game released for the PS3, it was one of the most visually stunning games to grace a video game console. Some people considered Heavy Rain’s nudity to genuinely titillating. Just look at this post about a nudity glitch in Heavy Rain. Over a million views! Now that a new console generation has blessed us with greater visual fidelity, realism, and better animations, though, it’s cringey to look back on things we thought approximated human intimacy.
The good news is, we have actually made some progress since Heavy Rain: