Earlier this week, Nintendo revealed that Kingdom Hearts protagonist Sora, not Waluigi, will be the final character to join the expansive Super Smash Bros. Ultimate roster. As someone who unironically loves the lanky, purple doofus, I was devastated by Sakurai’s indifference. So devastated, in fact, that I asked one of those fancy image-generating AIs to spend an entire day imagining what it would look like if Waluigi finally received an invitation to Smash.
The results were, let’s say, befitting of Waluigi’s inherent repulsiveness.
The neural network’s text prompt was simply, “waluigi in super smash bros,” which really should have been the headlines earlier this week, but I digress. That said, peering into alternate realities is hard work, even for an artificial intelligence. Bear with me as I do my best to interpret the scrambled images we’ve received from a world obviously shattered by Waluigi having his day in the sun.
The AI’s first creation potentially reveals that we aren’t the only travelers in this story. Waluigi appears to be opening his own portal to (what I hypothesize is) the real-deal Super Smash Bros. universe. Don’t ask me how someone as pitiful as Waluigi came upon such advanced technology, but I don’t know how else to explain what we’re witnessing.
Here we see Waluigi’s body being dissolved in the trans-dimensional rift. The process is no doubt incredibly painful but I’m guessing it’s nothing compared to the agonizing reality of his continued existence.
This AI-conjured render captures Waluigi in the middle of reforming in the Super Smash Bros. universe. I don’t know how you’d survive an ordeal like that without some sort of protection but never doubt the power of pure spite.
No sooner had Waluigi’s body reconstituted itself than he was immediately beset by what can only be described as the ghosts of the Kong family. Yes, in the Super Smash Bros. dimension, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, and all their ape buddies are apparently deceased. It brings me no pleasure reporting these gruesome details but goddammit, it’s my job.
Waluigi screaming. I don’t think this one needs more explanation than that.
This is the last image transmitted from the ether before the apparently distressed AI told me it had had enough of my bullshit. As best as I can tell—based on my repeated viewings of Evangelion—it depicts Waluigi painfully transcending his mortal form and becoming a being of pure malice (i.e. a giant head). Acrid smoke billows from his every orifice. The rest of the Smash roster and, indeed, the entire world flee from his terrible might as it blacks out the sky. All hail Waluigi, the One Who Wahs.
Technology’s sure getting weird. In any case, shoutouts are due to the team at Bearsharktopus Development Studios for developing the neural network used in this story. The fruits of their labor can also be found on Twitter at ai_curio and ai_curio_bot, the latter of which generates art based on user-submitted prompts. You may have a bit of a wait depending on the queue, but the results are fascinating.
Wherever you are, Waluigi, I hope, unlike me, you’re finally happy.