Screenshot: Assassin’s Creed Odyssey (Ubisoft)
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Ever since it was revealed that you could have same sex romances in Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, I’ve been chomping at the bit to be gay in ancient Greece. It’s turned out to be harder than I thought.

In the fifth grade, my school went whole hog on ancient Greece. In our overstuffed school, we called the outdoor, temporary classrooms “The Acropolis” and we were all assigned to groups named after different Greek cities. As a bonafide nerd, I was an Athenian. This was also one of the first times that I learned that, historically, being not-straight didn’t used to be a horrible stigma. I’d recently had my first crush and my first period, and also had some confusing feelings about my then best friend. Learning about Greece and its culture was something I’d call back on as it became increasingly clear that I wasn’t straight.

As soon as I learned that in the new Assassin’s Creed I could both play as a woman and also romance women, I knew I was going to do it. It was like a gift for my confused ten year old self. Little did I know how hard it would be to find someone to actually fuck me.

As soon as I could wrest myself away from the main storyline I began looking for quests that would end in romance. I rode all over Kephallonia on my horse looking for a woman who was DTF. I had zero luck. When it came time to leave the island, I figured I’d have better chances. It’s all a numbers game, right? Well, it proved just as difficult.

I’d meet women that were gay, but not ones that wanted to have sex with me, specifically. The pirate who was looking for her lost ship and lost lover? Gay as hell. But when I came back with the proof that her ship was destroyed and her lover was dead, she was interested in joining my crew, but not joining me in bed. I knew she must be devastated, but what better time to cozy up to a warm body? What, is she in mourning or something?

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As I was lamenting my fate, I came across an old woman who also couldn’t get the person she wanted to fuck to fuck her. She’d taken many lovers, but what she really wanted was her husband, who couldn’t keep up with her. I was sympathetic and tracked down some bear testicles and a deer tongue for a potion she wanted to make. The gods smiled upon me: I found an already dead bear and ganked its balls, and then while stalking a deer watched it freak out at something and run headlong into a tree, killing itself. Score.

Once I had the bear testes and deer tongue, her husband outright refused to drink anything made from that. Understandable! But this lady was still horny. Then, for the first time ever, I got the option to romance someone. This old lady was not just down, she was actively soliciting me for sex.

Dear reader, I smashed that.

It wasn’t how I envisioned it, but I was finally able to be gay in ancient Greece. Turns out you find love in the unlikeliest of places.