Last week I lost my beard in a tragic shaving on-purpose, and some of our readers were quite upset. So I had them put the beard back, which they did—just not the way they found it.

Damien Fate’s mash-up of my face with the famous Yukon Cornelious has been haunting me all week. I see it when I close my eyes. I see it in dreams. I see it at the top of the post. That last one is okay, since I put it there.

Here it is without the text:

Nightmares forever.

Now some might say that animated GIFs have an unfair advantage over normal images, which is probably true, as they are so hot right now. That’s why I am also declaring an un-animated winner, just to be fair. Also because my wife loves this picture more than anything.

Thank you, Arch Duke Maxyenko, for giving my wife a picture that will surely fade into memory in a couple of days and surely not plague me for the rest of my life, you bastard.


This was an excellent ‘Shop Contest, giving me plenty of ideas for how to welcome back my beard into the world, including setting it on fire and never growing it again.

Tons of entries this week, so I’m just gonna grab the top 20 or so. Check out the original post for all of our readers’ amazing work.

Fahey Faceworks Board Of Directors

Adrenalyn915 makes another of my wife’s dreams come true.

PhantomSloth puts cats on my face, not knowing my secret—there are always cats on my face.

Kireek celebrates 20 years of Pokemon on my chin.

Orionsangel makes me a glowing god.

Chrury Sanson makes me wish my facial hair did this.

Mrichston found a photo of me from 10 years ago and just ran with it.

Starduckets must have read my retirement plans.

lharm follows the clues to their logical conclusion.

Shinrawr somehow makes the bear even worse.

Velduanga is a total suck up. Also I need this helmet. Right now. I have summoned you here for a purpose.

GiantBoyDetective finds the place on my head I cannot grow hair and puts hair there. Otherwise, pretty accurate.

I wish I were the man sciteach sees me as.

Not Baird, Ihsus. Beard.

Ready2Game has my axe. I would like it back.

ColdCoffeeKiller gets points for being topical.

Whiskeyjack09 did this. It makes me all queasy. Good job!

Pretty sure abracadaniel just created the Suicide Squad version of Snacktaku.

Bricoli knows that none of this matters once the egg hatches.

Dedwan almost had it.

Curryrider’s is a little sloppy, but I am slamming evil, which is better than neatness.

You know asucks, this is actually a good look for me.

Goddammit, toolsoldier.

And that’s 20! Actually probably a couple more than 20, because I wasn’t counting. If yours didn’t make the cut, know that I was running late and had to stop myself.

Someone had to stop me.