Parents! Do you lack all authority to control your child's video game playing? Do you lack opposable thumbs, or an appendage suitable for TURNING OFF THE TELEVISION???? Well, fortunately for you, now there's BOB

Yes, BOB takes all the guesswork, temper tantrums, hurt feelings and, you know, parenting out of refereeing your child's time in front of the tube. Now when you tell little Johnny he has only five hours to kill hookers and drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto IV, BOB is there to show you fuckin' mean it!

As the product's website says, "BOB becomes the bad guy in screen time negotiations." That means you can get back to being the cool mom or dad! And kids! Make sure you save your progress every three minutes because YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN BOB'S GONNA LAY DOWN THA LAWWWWW. It's like Russian roulette with gamesaves!

Seriously, there was a kid in Missouri who destroyed a vacuum cleaner in order to play video games. I'm betting at least one BOB's power cord, locked or not, gets introduced to a pair of scissors. AND THEN WHO'S GONNA BE THE BAD GUY????

Can you believe the "Today" show touted this as "fun stuff for summer?" You mean something that deactivates the fun stuff I do in the summer? Honestly, I'm wondering if I can reverse engineer BOB to not shut off my TV. Because I have Netflix and Gamefly rentals piling up while I do stuff like THA LAUNDRY, and DINNER, and CLEANING MY TOILET.

BOB— The Screentime Controller [, hat tip to Richard Blakeley for the video again]

By the way, whenever you see me type all caps, you should imagine a monster trucks voice — Owen


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