Illinois Legislates Out of Existence Something That Doesn't Exist

Illustration for article titled Illinois Legislates Out of Existence Something That Doesn't Exist

Alcopops are a huge concern for fear-addled parents, because they're sweet, alcoholic, and a gateway drug to total douche behavior. So Illinois is taking a courageous stand by banning alcopop ads from video games.

Advertisement

That's right, Illinois, home of Senate seat firesales and previously abortive (and unconstitutional) efforts to regulate game content, made sure that in a raft of anti-drinking measures, no E- or T-rated game sold in the state may include any advertisement for Mike's Hard Lemonade, Smirnoff Ice, Hooper's Hooch, et cetera. Because it was just rampant up to now.

Video games aren't singled out; in Illinois, you can't market these things at live performances or concerts "where the intended audience is primarily children" either. Tough shit, Jonas Brothers! Still, I'm wondering if this will be challenged simply because of it's another asinine precedent, not because Mortal Kombat vs DCU needs a thirsty Sub Zero to pound a Bacardi Breezer after a fatality. On the other hand, you could look on it as Illinois keeping what would surely be a most obnoxious in-game advert out of our consoles.

Anyway, there you go. Alcopops in video games is added to the list of shit everyone should fear. But if we're now passing laws against fictitious threats that are more retarded than sinister, then for consistency's sake Illinois should outlaw Gargamel and Skeletor, too.

New Illinois Law Bars Alcopops from Kid-Centric Games [Gamepolitics]

DISCUSSION

I had no idea they were called "alcopops" until today. Back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth ten years ago, they were simply known as drinks you needed to procure in order to convince the shy girl in your history class that touching your weiner was a fantastic idea.

Zima was the grandaddy of them all (unless the older posters really wanna drop some knowledge about Bartleby and James -induced handjobs, then feel free), but then the alcopop arms race really escalated when Mike's Hard Lemonade — aka the official beverage of "To Catch a Predator" — Skyy, Smirnoff Ice, and Bacardi all hopped in.

Fucking sixers of Skyy Blue could easily go for more than ten bucks, and that's not even counting whatever the old dude at your crappy part-time job took off the top when you pulled the "Hey Mister" approach to scoring booze. If you were lucky, all he wanted was cash.... however some of those pederasts would just want to hang out and scout the minor league talent.

And at the end of the day, more likely than not, you still ended up choking the chicken on dial-up, waiting at least five minutes for that painfully slow picture loading to get to tits, before bedtime. I swear, I could have cured cancer at 17 if I devoted 1/10th of the time to serious academic study that I did concocting masterplans to cease masturbating and get laid.

The makers of those drinks don't need to market them to underage kids. The remote possibility of someone else touching your pecker besides yourself has made at least a decade's worth of teenage boys brave everything from ghetto liquor stores to risking a felony for a forged ID.