If You're Going To Be A Cannibal, You've Got To Count Calories

Illustration for article titled If Youre Going To Be A Cannibal, Youve Got To Count Calories

Here at Snacktaku we're all about portion control, so when science tells us a fully-cooked human cadaver would contain roughly 81,500 calories, we reach for the freezer bags.


In an article for Popular Science magazine, which continues to try to get us to call it PopSci so it sounds cool (you are cool, Popular Science), University of Brighton human origins lecturer James Cole delivered the caloric calculation that's rocking the cannibal nation.

According to his calculations, a human arm alone is around 1,800 calories, or around six pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets. A leg, on the other limb, weighs in at a staggering 7,150 calories. Want to burn 1,500 calories fast? Remove your lungs, liver or alimentary canal.


What's a human origins lecturer doing with such information? Aside from providing important (and in some states, required) nutritional information for restaurants serving human parts, the caloric content of a body could help archaeologists determine if ancient cultures consumed humans ritualistically or as part of this complete breakfast.

The 81,500 figure may look like a lot, but the PopSci (there) article cites that an average bear can contain up to 600,000 calories (largely due to fatty tissue), and a smarter-than-average bear can contain that many plus the contents of a picnic basket.

Disclaimer: Don't eat people.

Disclaimer 2: Seriously, don't eat people.

Ask Anything: Would Cannibalism Make You Fat? [Popular Science]

Share This Story

Get our newsletter


Stupid fucking article. Why would it be strange for an entire human cadaver to have that many calories? You can't eat 80 kilograms of meat in a day, so you can't eat 80000 calories worth of human cadaver anyway... Why the hell am I commenting on this stupid article...