Can I tell you a secret? Is this a safe place? Because what I’m about to say could potentially expose some of my stranger... predilections, let’s say. Are you ready? Okay.
I think the bad guy in Ring Fit Adventure is smokin’ hot.
He’s a tall, dark, and dummy thicc dragon traipsing about in a wrestling onesie so scandalous as to be borderline obscene. And I fell in love with him immediately.
Recently I bought Ring Fit Adventure from eBay (please don’t ask how much I spent) because before quarantine I was reasonably active, going to the gym, keeping up with cardio, and generally doing my best to stay healthy. Even though gyms have reopened where I live, I’m not so brave as to return yet. I’m also not a good runner, so taking a jog around the block was out for me. Ring Fit Adventure seemed like an ideal way to return some kind of physical activity to my quarantine life.
After the initial calibration and difficulty-level assessment, I hopped straight into the tutorial. (As an aside, I really like the “Silent” mode that allows you to bounce in place, keeping your feet on the floor instead of actually jogging in place. I live in an apartment and I’m sure my neighbors appreciate me not thumping on their ceiling every morning.) That’s where I met Dragaux.
He’s supposed to be the villain of Ring Fit, spreading his “dark energy” all over the land. But I think he’s just a misunderstood gym rat. All he wants to do is bring physical fitness to the world—the same thing Ring wants! I’ve never seen him do anything wrong or evil, he doesn’t seem to indulge in death or destruction. Dragaux is just a bro who wants some sick gains. Seeing him for the first time, I was overcome with all the raw draconic energy wafting off him. Hell, I’ll admit to doing the first boss battle a couple of times, just to see him flex.
I was wiped out after that first session. I’m woefully out of shape y’all, because that game kicked my ass. I was sore for two days. But every morning I kept on returning, because I had a new boyfriend.
Well, two new boyfriends.
So I have another confession: I kinda have a crush on Tipp, too. I know! What’s to find attractive, he doesn’t even have a face? But I like how he waves at you and how he hunches over, exhausted, at the end of an exercise session. Lots of little body movements and physical quirks that show me there’s a real and caring person inside that faceless homunculus of sculpted muscle. I’m also the kind of person to fall in like with someone who shows me even the smallest of niceties which, in this quarantined world, is rarer than normal. Tipp makes me feel safe because I can’t see the disapproving face he probably makes when I need to have a sit after a handful of squats.
I have no excuse for all this odder-than-normal thirst! I can’t even blame this on quarantine-imposed loneliness. I can’t explain any of this. But the heart wants what it wants. And my heart wants Tipp and Dragaux to [redacted]. For now, though, my heart will settle for some cardio.
Thank god nobody in my immediate family reads this stuff.